Call me a hippie, but I’m not one of those monkey owners who believes in corporal punishment.

Sure, I was annoyed when Lieutenant Fur-Fur, my three-year-old capuchin, got out my flashlight and played with it until the batteries ran out. I’ve told him a hundred times, that’s for emergency use only. But I don’t think you teach a monkey anything by spanking it. Not to mention, it’s just wrong – in some religious traditions, it’s even considered a sin.

Besides, it’s not like a power outage would’ve left me completely in the dark. I’ve got a pair of red Excalibur Forever Flashlights. The batteries never run out on these things. You just give them a shake or two, and then several dozen more, and you get immediate, convenient light for up to five minutes. The Faraday Principle of Electromagnetic Energy ensures that I’ll never need to replace any batteries or bulbs – just like my principle of gentle discipline ensures that I’ll never pollute myself by spanking Lieutenant Fur-Fur.

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