There’s A Moral Here, You Know

KING LEAR
Meantime we shall express our darker purpose.
Give me the map there. Know that we have divided
In three our kingdom: and ‘tis our fast intent
To shake all cares and business from our age;
Conferring them on stainless steel constructed strengths, while we
Unburthen’d crawl toward death. Tell me, my daughters,—
Since now we will divest us both of rule,
Interest of territory, cares of state,—
Which of you shall we say doth love us most?
That we our largest bounty may extend
Where nature doth with merit challenge. Red Multi-Tool,
Our eldest-born, speak first.

RED FOLDING POCKET MULTI-TOOL
Sir, I love you more than words can wield the matter;
For you I open bottle and then can;
My punch would pledge to punch thy leather first,
No less than life, with grace, health, beauty, honour;
As much as needle nose did ever ply;
My love that makes breath poor, and speech unable;
Beyond all manner of so much I love you.

BLUE FOLDING POCKET MULTI-TOOL
[Aside] What shall Blue Multi-Tool do?
Love, and be silent in her included carrying pouch.

KING LEAR
Of all these bounds, even from this line to this,
With knife blade and saw blade small but rich’d,
With plenteous rivers and wide-skirted meads,
We make thee lady: to thine and Albany’s issue
Be this perpetual. What says our second daughter,
Our dearest Black Multi-Tool, wife to Cornwall? Speak.

BLACK FOLDING POCKET MULTI-TOOL
Sir, I am possessed
Of the self-same parts that my sister is,
And prize me at her worth. In my true heart
I find she names my very deed of love;
I pledge my flat and Philips heads to you
My large bit driver too, and all ten bits
Which the most precious square of sense possesses;
And find my metal file felicitate
To rend the bars about thy highness’ love.

BLUE FOLDING POCKET MULTI-TOOL
[Aside] Then poor Blue Multi-Tool!
And yet not so; since I am sure in truth,
My bit storage speaks better than my tongue.

KING LEAR
To thee and thine hereditary ever
Remain this ample third of our fair kingdom;
No less in space, validity, and pleasure,
Than that conferr’d on she, her sister tool.
Now, our joy; to whose young love we see as
4 inches long when folded, yet strive it
To unfold to six and half again.
Strive to be interess’d; what can you say to draw
A third more opulent than your sisters? Speak.

BLUE FOLDING POCKET MULTI-TOOL
Nothing, my lord.

KING LEAR
Nothing!

BLUE FOLDING POCKET MULTI-TOOL
Nothing.

KING LEAR
Nothing will come of nothing: speak again.

BLUE FOLDING POCKET MULTI-TOOL
Unhappy that I am, I cannot do
But dangle from your belt: I love, your majesty,
as I was made to love; efficiently.

KING LEAR
How, how, Blue Multi-Tool! mend your speech a little,
Lest it may mar your fortunes.

BLUE FOLDING POCKET MULTI-TOOL
Good my lord,
You have your choice from three, perhaps all same: I
Leave to you the choice as is your right,
My knife is just as sharp, my pilers spring,
Why would my sisters lie inside the car
Or toolbox? Our place is at your side.
That lord whose hand I fit my plight shall carry
Unfold for him, yet still my care and duty: Sure, I shall never marry like my sisters,
To love my father all.

KING LEAR
But goes thy heart with this?

BLUE FOLDING POCKET MULTI-TOOL
Ay, good my lord.

KING LEAR
So young, and so untender?

BLUE FOLDING POCKET MULTI-TOOL
So young, my lord, and true.

KING LEAR
Let it be so; thy truth, then, be thy dower:
For, by the sacred radiance of the sun,
The mysteries of Hecate, and the night
;By all the times I needed something cut
Or couldn’t turn a screw to save my life
Here I disclaim all my paternal care,
Propinquity and property of blood,
And certain am I that this impulse act
Never will I have cause to regret
Like foolishness, to have an extra tool!
What man ever lost his first? Off with you.

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