One of the world’s most brilliant minds calls his team for a meeting.

“What’s going on, Reed?”

“Yeah, Elasto. Is there some intergalactic threat that needs clobberin’?”

No, I’m afraid not. I have a confession to make, you guys. About us. About our powers. I’m afraid I’m responsible for-

“It wasn’t your fault, darling. It was the cosmic rays.”

“Yeah, you had no way of knowing.”

Well, that’s actually what I want to talk about. You see, it wasn’t actually cosmic rays. It was my own scientific hubris and a quest to devise the perfect male enhancement pills.

“What are you talking about?”

For years I’ve struggled to come to terms with my own feelings of inadequacy…down there. I decided to put my scientific genius to work devising a solution. I came up with three pills. One to make things, y’know, longer. Another to make things…okay, I know this sounds crude, but hard as a rock.

“A big orange rock?”

“Shut up, Johnny.”

And a third to make things, well, I didn’t really know what I was going for, but I wanted my life in the bedroom to be hotter.

“What? That’s impossible.”

“Yeah, Reed. You’re not making any sense. I remember going into outer space.”

That’s what you all think. I couldn’t take all three pills myself or I’d never know each pill’s individual effects, so I gave Ben and Johnny one too. When things started getting out of control and I saw the pills were changing us all in fantastic ways I freaked out, and I corked all of you upside your heads with a wrench. When you awoke, I concocted-

“Ha! Concocted!”

Quit being juvenile, Johnny. Anyway, I DEVISED a story about space flight. You were all suffering pretty brutal concussions, so you bought it with minimal resistance. But now I realize the error of my ways. I don’t need to develop magic pills, because I’ve acquired this 30 Day Supply of ExtenZe Male Enhancement, which promises to work wonders even though the FDA won’t evaluate any of those statements and this is the modern day equivalent to eating a rattlesnake penis to gain its power or something. So, I’m sorry.

“This is a lot to take in.”

“That’s what she said.”

“Shut UP!”

“Reed, I don’t understand. How did I gain my incredible powers of invisibility, then?”

Oh. Well, to be perfectly honest I hadn’t been with many women before you, Sue, and your…uh, equipment was…well, not BAD but just…different. Than anything I was used to. So I was a little freaked out and intimidated, and I OWN that. That’s my baggage; that’s not anything wrong or bad about you or your body. But I sorta gave you a pill to try and shrink some things down to disappear.

“Hey! That’s my sister you’re talkin’ about!”

“Oh man, he showed me a picture one time.”

“Ben!”

“I could’ve sworn it was Johnny.”

“BEN!”

So I’m sorry I gave you all experimental boner pills. But in the end, we all got super powers so that’s kind of awesome, right?

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