Always wanted to drive a Hot Wheels or Matchbox-style toy car? Stop trying to build that shrink ray and start buying these tiny R/C rides.

If you’re anything like me, you’ve lost your driver’s license due to repeated DUI violations. But I don’t let my crippling addiction and my total disregard for the lives of others keep me sidelined. Not when I’ve got a mini-garage full of Excalibur R/C Microzoomers just begging me to climb behind the (figurative) wheel and burn (figurative) rubber on the (figurative) open road.

Let’s see: what shall it be today? The silver Beemer or the black one? The red Mini, or the blue Mini? Or maybe the Pajero Rally? This must be a little taste of what it’s like to live like noted car enthusiast Jay Leno – except I don’t have to worry about gas, insurance, or scraping the grill clean of animal and/or human remains. Also, I’m funnier.

Whatever model I choose, I can legally microzoom around any tabletop, non-carpeted floor, or salt flat like I never heard the word “Goldschlager”. The remotes operate on the same frequency, so racing my friends is out. But I’m too happy to be driving again to quibble too much over details. Except for the fact that I can’t fit inside them, my Excalibur R/C Microzoomers are almost as good as the real thing. Maybe better, since nobody’s gonna give me any stick if I can’t remember my ABCs.

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