There’s no way I’m letting that Energizer Hardcase flashlight into my home. In no time, he’d kick me out and take over the herd.

I’m not opening my den to this flashlight for the same reason male animals sometimes kill their own cubs: to prevent it from growing into a rival for dominance.

I’ll admit it. I’m no match for this Energizer Hardcase. I sure as hell can’t survive a 30-foot drop, my sides aren’t bolted steel plates, and I’m only water resistant when I’m on dry land. It can go for 50 hours on one meal, while I’m good for maybe three before I start whining. And it eats nothing but AA batteries, while I require a variety of nutrients for peak operation.

If the Energizer Hardcase made its move, I’d have no option but to leave and try to find another family with a leader even weaker than me. Sounds hard enough, but when I consider how many households have Energizer Hardcase flashlights these days, it’s impossible. My only hope is that the Energizer Hardcase can’t smell my fear through my closed doors.

Back to top