We’d like to apologize to all who attended the matinee on Sunday.

First off, we would like to clarify that the man who walked into several theaters on Sunday between 1 and 3pm and harassed several viewers was not an employee of UMI 18 Cinemas. He was simply a prankster with a Energizer LED Flashlight who somehow procured a staff shirt. Still, we, the theater management should not have allowed this to happen, and so we’d like to issue the following apologies:

1. Sorry to all our customers bearing facial hair who were asked to leave. Contrary to what you may have been told by this usher imposter, we do not enforce “a strict beard limit” in our theaters. We are planning a special “Beards-Only” screening to make up for any inconvenience.

2. Sorry to anyone who was asked to switch sides of a theater because the side they were originally on was for “family of the bride.”

3. Sorry the elderly gentleman who was told that several other customers had complained of a “strong dog smell” and that “all of our dog-smell censors” pointed to him as the culprit. In reality, there was no dog smell nor do we have any dog-smell censors, so you should not have been asked to perform a “full-body soap up” in the men’s room. (We owe you a second apology for not believing your story when a real employee found you doing just as you were told.)

4. And finally, sorry to everyone who was asked to open the lids of their soft drinks because “one of our scorpions had gotten loose.” I know that this gave a few people quite the scare, but rest assured: we would never let any of our scorpions escape from the terrarium.

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