Just so you’re not, y’know, misled.

Hey there. How are ya? Good, good. Oh, you said, “What’s up?” We just kind of assumed you were going to say “How are you?” back. Awkward.

Anyway…

We’ve got this handy eMachines Athlon 1.8GHz Desktop Computer today. It’s a refurb. It comes with Windows 7. Hmmm. I mean it’s got other stuff: 320GB 7200rpm SATA hard drive, 16x DVD Supermulti drive, blah blah you can read the specs down there. You do know they’re down there right? It’s just that sometimes we read the comments and you guys are all, “Does this come with a mouse?” and we’re like, “Well, it says what it comes with right there on the front page. You don’t even have to hunt for it; you just scroll down.”

Sorry. This isn’t about you. We’re lashing out. That was uncalled for.

It’s just, well, I dunno. It’s a computer. Another one. We have a lot of these types of things around here, so after awhile it’s like, “Well, jeez, what do you want me to say? The keyboard is black. Neat.” So to switch things up a bit, we’re just going to focus on stuff this handy desktop can’t do.

For instance, we definitely wouldn’t say anything like, “This machine is great for video editing and gaming.” Because it’s not. It’s not really that powerful. That’d be like saying, “This machine will make you a master of the internet,” or “Your enemies will fall at your feet, the object of your desire will crave you incessantly.” We know, stuff like that doesn’t really make sense in terms of a computer, but that’s not why we’d never say it. We’d never say it because it’s not true.

So we can’t say “This computer can do all of the things listed below,” because that would be patently false. It can’t do any of these things, which is why we’d never try to lead you to believe that for real, this computer does all of the following:

• Makes coffee
• Scoots around the floor with its vacuum function
• Processes complex astrophysics equations to confirm string theory
• Smells faintly of hazelnuts
• Makes you a fortune on eBay
• Locates alien intelligence via SETI
• Cures cancer
• Filters out any and all web content you decide you don’t want to see
• Reproduces asexually to produce a smaller, faster, newer computer

So buy this if you need an affordable, effective little office computer, but not because it does all that and more, because it doesn’t. We can’t stress that enough.

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