This Dyson will sure help you clean. AND THAT’S THE ONLY THING IT WILL DO, YOU UNDERSTAND?

Before using your Dyson DC33 Multi Floor Vacuum, please read and sign the Responsible User Statement.

I [owner’s name] promise to use this Dyson DC33 Multi Floor Vacuum for the purpose of cleaning and cleaning only. I will not partake in any following inappropriate vacuum-related activities:

Vacuum Jousting: While the vacuum may be light (17.6lbs) this does not mean I should mount a horse and use it as a lance, as this could very well could result in physical damage to the Dyson and psychological damage to the horse.

Lawn vacuuming: The Dyson does feature powerful cyclone technology and its HEPA filter does trap microscopic pollen and allergens; however, I understand that this in no way means that it can be substituted for a lawn mower, and that attempting to use it this way in public can do irreparable damage to the individual Dyson, as well as the Dyson image in the eyes of my sane neighbors.

Vacuuming up bees: The Dyson’s bin can be emptied in such a way that minimizes the risk of contact with vacuumed-up contents. That being said, I understand that this feature is meant to be used for hygienic purposes and does not enable me to vacuum potentially harmful substances, such as bees. If I am in a room whose floor is covered with bees, I will do the smart thing, which is leave that room, close the door, and never go back there again.

Summoning demons: Just because the extendable Telescope-Reach handle is referred to as a “wand” doesn’t mean that I should use in any rituals involving the dark arts, specifically the summoning of demons, because A) it probably won’t work, and B) if it does, it could ruin Dyson’s sternly anti-demon corporate culture.

My signature below shows that I have read and understood the dangers of these activities. If I happen to come up with any other inappropriate uses for this Dyson, I pledge to post them in this product’s comments section.

X ______________________

Back to top