If this is opposite day, then this Dyson blows!

Honey, you know how you asked me to go to the store and pick up one of those bladeless Dyson fans? Well, here's what I got.

"Um, this isn't a fan, Chris... it's a Dyson DC24 vacuum. That's pretty much the opposite of the fan."

I know! Exactly! It's opposite day!

"What? Chris, it's too hot for this crap. We need a fan."

That's what you told me before. Which is why I got this vacuum! Instead of blowing, it uses a Root Cyclone™ Technology to suck stuff into its Clear Bin! And you know how fans are supposed to sit still?

"Sure."

Well, this vacuum rides on a ball, giving it maximum mobility! Oh man, I totally got you! HAHAHAHA!

"So, wait. It's opposite day?"

Yep!

"Then if you were really going to do the opposite of getting me a fan, wouldn't you take a vacuum away from me?"

What? Oh... I see... very funny!

"And wouldn't the opposite of a Dyson fan be something not made by Dyson. Like a Nosyd."

What?

"A Nosyd. It's Dyson backwards."

Fine, I mean... if you're going to get really technical about it...

"But here's the big thing: who told you it's opposite day?"

My friend.

"You mean 'your enemy?'"

Okay, yes.

"You mean 'no?'"

What are you getting at, Liz?

"Well, did whoever told you say, 'it's opposite day'?"

Yeah, he texted me.

"Well, shouldn't he have said, 'it's not opposite day'?"

Um... okay... fine. Yes. He should've said that instead.

"But then what would people say when it's really not opposite day?"

I guess they'd say, 'it's not opposite day' then too.

"Exactly. And you know what that means?"

What?

"That it can never be opposite day!"

No... but... BUT... NO! NONONONONO!

[What happens at this point isn't pretty. Essentially, Chris suffers a complete mental breakdown that he'll never recover from. For the rest of his life he sits very still, contemplating whether anything really exists.]

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