I’ve been your dog for, what? Five years? Well it feels like 35 to me.

Listen, Chuck, we go way back man, and you’ll always be my best friend. But I’ve gotta say I really don’t appreciate you bringing home that Dyson DC21 Canister Vacuum without consulting me. What? Afraid? C’mon man, that’s a really ignorant stereotype. You’re better than that. We’re not all afraid of vacuum cleaners.

No, my issue is that I thought we had a pretty good thing going with the whole “you drop it, I eat it” arrangement. Ever since you got this crazy idea in your head to try and date again all of a sudden the old pizza crust pile is gone from the corner and the linoleum on the kitchen floor doesn’t have any spilled cereal or microwave burrito crumbs. I mean, I guess if you want to clean up the carpet once in awhile I’ll deal with it, but that crazy vacuum can go anywhere and get into just about any corner. Don’t take this the wrong way but I always figured you for the lazy type; with that thing though you don’t even have to bend over. You can control the brush with one of your two feet, which I have to say I still have not gotten used to.

It’s not just the food, though, Chuck. This place used to feel like home, y’know? I spent a lot of time shedding in here to give it that nice quarter-inch thick layer of hair across everything we own. Now you’ve got a lifetime HEPA filtration system on wheels. Do you have any idea how embarrassing it is to have my buddies from the park over and hear them ask why I’m not scent-marking the place? I feel like I’m less of a dog! Normally I’d wait it out until this thing inevitably chokes on a hairball and breaks down, but it’s got a motorized brushbar so there’s no belt to snap. And this one’s been refurbished so it’s probably good as new. Now look I’m not ready to run off to a farm just yet but I’m no young pup either; this thing is going to outlast me by years!

Did you know that the air that this vacuum puts out is actually cleaner than the air we breathe? Did you know that? I’ve got a really sensitive nose. I mean, I’m no Bloodhound, but for a Boston Terrier I’ve got a great sniffer, and I can tell you that thing actually removes bacteria from the air! When did we get all high class here? Chuck, listen: it’s me, Captain Doodle. I’m tellin’ you; it’s killin’ our flow. The vacuum’s gotta go.

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