A lecture from the coach

What’s this I hear about dust and dirt in the carpet and upholstery? What’s the matter with you, Dyson? Come on, suck it up!

Oh, you’re tired, is that it? Yeah, you’re tired. This is you: “Oh, I’m tired. Using cyclonic separation to take dirt out of the air with no filter, that’s hard work. Boo-hoo, feel sorry for me. I’m a spoiled, lazy, good-for-nothing who thinks that just because I’m one of the most famous names in the vacuum biz, I don’t have to go out there and give it a hundred and ten per cent every single day.”

Bullfeathers, Dyson! BULL FEATHERS. You know what? I got a hundred other vacuums who would love to have been blessed with what you’ve got. You’ve got talent, you’ve got power, you’ve got HEPA filtration. You’ve got all the tools. Stair tool, large brush tool, crevice tool.

But you know what means more than all of that put together? Attitude. Because, hey, you’re “certified asthma friendly,” that’s great. But awards and accolades, that’s not what makes a great vacuum. You know what makes a great vacuum? When a great vacuum is faced with a big, dirty pile of dirt on the floor, he sucks it up.

So right now, for example, it’s go time. We’ve got company coming over tonight, and there’s pet hair and Chee-to crumbs all over the family room. And where are you? Out there gettin’ it done? No, you’re just hanging out at the back of the linen closet, all lackadaisical-like, feeling sorry for yourself and waiting… for what? For me to come and get you?

THERE IS NO “I” IN “HOUSEKEEPING,” SON. NOT THE WAY I SPELL IT. I spell it “housekeepmyselfng.” So listen—you’ve got a choice to make. Because if you aren’t going to be serious about sweeping up dust and debris, there’s the door. But if you’re going to put the necessary work in… Well, you’ve got the talent, there’s no question about that. So I only have one question for you. Do you want to be one of the greatest vacuum cleaners of your generation?

THEN GET OUT THERE AND SUCK IT UP.

All right, bring it in here. “Vacuum” on three, go. ONETWOTHREE VACUUM.

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