We did that.

Sanders, what is this?

“Sir?”

This. This thing. What is this?

“Oh, that, sir. That is a Dream Cheeky USB Big Red Button. Mr. President. Sir.”

What’s it do?

“Uh, well a couple different things, actually. You plug it into your computer via USB and hit it any time you want to virtually blow up your screen, pull up a spreadsheet to look like you’re working, give a photo of someone you don’t like a virtual punch in the nose, visit your favorite URL with the press of a button, or just take a break. Sir.”

Uh huh. And why’s it here?

“Well, sir, I, ah…that is, some of us Secret Service guys thought you could use a little levity. Things have been pretty rough for awhile now, we know you’re stressed, and we figured you could use the distraction.”

And you thought it’d be wise to hook it up right next to the ACTUAL big red button, the one that launches all our intercontinental ballistic nuclear missiles?

“Oh. Wow. That’s ACTUALLY it? I thought you were joking. I mean, I figured the REAL big red button wouldn’t ALSO plug in to your computer via USB.”

Yeah, well it does. And now we’re gonna have a hell of a time figuring this out.

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