Hot Blooded? Cold As Ice? Either way, the Dr Scholl’s Arctic Heat Hot & Cold Mini Massager can help you feel better.

Hey, my friend. See, I call you my friend, because I’m here for you. I’m a massage professional, you see, and I don’t care if you’re male or female. To me, you’re just a beautiful fleshy landscape upon which my explorer’s hands must map.

Shh, shh! Become calm. Find your center and relax. I understand, you’re a little afraid of being touched by a stranger. It happens. But don’t you worry, we’re still weeks away from actual contact. You see, I model my massage strategy on the work of NASA. That’s right! That’s why I’ve brought my little Dr Scholl’s Arctic Heat Hot & Cold Mini Massager with me today. Please, take off your shirt and we can begin.

My Dr Scholl’s Arctic Heat Hot & Cold Mini Massager works a bit like a space probe, except instead of landing on another planet, it’ll be landing on you! See? Together we’ll come to understand where your own personal planetary stresses lie. Do you follow astronomy, my friend? Shh, shh, relaaaaax. Let the four-point head take away the stress. Feel that infrared heat? Yes, yes, let it work deep into your surface, down to where the alien colonists escaped back in 1968. Oh, my, did that slip out? I’m sorry, that was just a joke. Everyone knows there’s no life on other worlds, and certainly none connected to the government. Roll over, let me start work on your other side.

Chilly, huh? I put in the cold pack attachment while you weren’t looking. It makes the Dr Scholl’s Arctic Heat Hot & Cold Mini Massager as cold as the polar cap where the CIA arranged to dispose of the evidence related to the Philadelphia Experiment. Oh, yes, that’s right, my friend. I know all about your part in the cover-up. And now, I’ve got you pinned under the Dr Scholl’s Arctic Heat Hot & Cold Mini Massager. So start talking. Or I’m breaking out the flexible deep kneading massage head and ending all this right now.

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