Big brother, you’re probably wondering why I’ve placed an additional card addressed to you in with my niece’s birthday present. All in good time, sibling.

For now, watch your daughter unwrap the gift I’ve sent her. I know you won’t want to miss it.

Is she done? Did her face light up with glee when she saw the Disney High School Musical Mix Max Player in the package? Has she noticed I’ve already filled the 512 MB built-in memory with all of the songs and videos she just loves to sing along at her highest volume all hours of the day and night? She’s pleased as punch, isn’t she? I bet she is.

And has your mind begun to shatter yet, big brother? I hope it has.

You know, when I was trying to find the perfect gift for her, my mind began to wander to all those times you used me as a practice dummy after wrestling practice. I thought back to when I discovered you had snapped the heads off all of my D&D figurines with Dad’s pliers. I remembered, with crystal clarity, that time you read my short story “Cro-tor, The Elven Warrior-Prince” out loud for the cheerleading squad as I looked on in horror from the flagpole you had duct-taped me to.

You even did a squeaky little voice for Cro-tor, you bastard. I never forgave you for that.

Now? Now, I’ve just become your daughter’s favorite person in the whole wide world. No longer confined to listening to her stereo in her room, she can serenade you with all that teen pop music that I know you can’t stand in the halls, in the car, at the park, wherever she goes. And if you dare try to take it away from her, you’ll just end up the bad guy, jerkface, and my influence on her upbringing will grow more powerful than you could possibly imagine.

In a way, it’s kind of a gift for her AND for me. Mwa ha.

You should never have left me in that human pretzel all those years ago, brother. Cro-tor never forgets an enemy.

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