For some people, “don’t touch my screen” isn’t an option. They get a Dell Inspiron One All-in-One PC.

I keep a nice, tidy cubicle. A plastic plant I don’t have to water, a candy dish full of the cheap peppermints everybody hates, and a pen cup full of non-functional pens that nobody will ever, ever steal. It’s my way of playing along, you see. I’ve put a lot of work into this over the years. And today all of my bosses think me open and welcoming, while my fellow employees catch on the second they sit down in the cheap uncomfortable chair that makes farting noises. Excuse you, new guy! Don’t forget who’s the alpha male around here!

But until recently, I always had one weak point. My computer screen! Any first day jerkface could just step right up and rub a wet index finger all over my monitor while asking about the budget proposals, and I couldn’t do a thing about it! But starting today, you’re outflanked, Mr. Pokey Poke. Because I just bought a refurbished Dell Inspiron One All-in-One PC and it’s going in the corner!

Now when you come in the room, I’ll just turn off my screen and walk across the room to where a 750GB hard drive is full of all my important data. I’ll show it all to you on the 1080p HD display that’s built to be touched, and you can drag and tap and prod until your hand gets sore, for all I care. Maybe I’ll even note how the 2MP webcam is recording your entire visit, and laugh as I imply it’ll be connected to your performance review. Am I serious? Am I joking? Who knows? That’s what office interaction is all about!

And when you’re not around, my Dell Inspiron One All-in-One PC will serve as a nice little music station, letting me connect to streaming radio over the built-in Wi-Fi and listen on the 4Wx2 speakers. Best of the 70s, 80s and today, just like the boss enjoys.

Because when you get right down to it, he’s the only one that matters. The rest of these peons are just standing in my way. It’s too bad that I’ve got to keep up the facade. If only my performance review didn’t include that “teamwork” option!

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