What have you to confess, my son?

This week, father, I ate more than my share of pizza at the camp pizza party, and lied about it. I made an obscene gesture at my dad when he wasn’t looking. And, well, I’m not sure, but I think I committed Onanism.

“You think”? What do you mean, “you think”?

Well, our electricity went out after that big thunderstorm, you know? And my dad told me to get the gas can from the garage and fill up the generator.

I’m not sure where this is going, but go on.

OK, so I took the gas to the generator, and tried to fill it up, you know? But the can was kind of heavy, and I spilled a little bit of it. I didn’t think it was a big deal, but my Dad got really mad.

Hmm. Gas is pretty expensive, but accidents happen. So, where does the sin come in?

Well, I was trying to figure out why he was so mad, and then I saw the name on the generator: Onan! I never really understood Genesis 38:9-10 before, but now it all made sense! “He spilled it on the ground”- and “displeased the LORD: wherefore he slew him also”! This must be the “Onanism” that Sister Bertrand told us about!

Uh, you know, I think you’ve misunderstood-

Am I going to hell, Father?

No, no. The Onan in the Bible was the second son of Judah, who, uh – well, never mind what he did. The Onan you’re talking about is the Cummins P2400 Onan 2000 Watt Homesite Generator. It provides up to 13 hours of electrical power on 4 gallons of gasoline. It might smell a little, but there’s nothing inherently sinful about that.

Are you sure I didn’t do anything wrong?

Yes, I’m sure. You know what? Since you’ve been beating yourse- er, feeling so bad about this, we’ll call it a wash with those other sins. Go on, get out of here. We’re good.

Thank you, Father.

No problem. One more thing, though.

Yes?

Tell your Dad to stop making his kids fill the gas tank. It’s not safe.

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