I, Imperial Generalissimo Jerry Caputo, hereby declare the Cuisinart Grind and Brew the official coffeemaker of the people’s kingdom of Caputonia!

Once the thrill of independence starts to fade, you realize that declaring your house a sovereign nation is a lot of work. There are stamps to print, monuments to erect, bribes to accept. And for a young nation like mine, not yet certain of its place in the post-colonial world, cross-border tensions are always running high, especially with that nosy old bat next door who defaced the Caputonian flag I erected on top of the privacy fence. She keeps saying that it’s “her” fence and threatening to sue, as if a U.S. court has any jurisdiction over Caputonian affairs.

Don’t get me wrong – it’s good to be the Imperial Generalissimo. But despite the unanimous support of the population (me and my three goldfish), the business of the state wears heavily on such a small government staff (me and my three goldfish). So I often indulge in a time-honored Caputonian tradition that I just invented: brewing up a cup or two with the national Cuisinart Grind and Brew Cofeemaker. It’s fully programmable, does both the grinding and the brewing, and when I’m late for an international summit or a public beheading, the Brew Pause feature lets me grab a sip or two before the whole pot is done. I like the goldtone permanent filter so much I’ve already promoted it to Minister of Economic Money Business. Don’t worry, it’ll still have time to carry out its coffee-filtering duties. It’s mostly a ceremonial position.

Now, I have to send my top espionage agent (me) on a mission to gather information on the capabilities of the U.S. convenience-store industry. In my absence, affairs of state will be run by the Parliamentary Congress of Senators (my three goldfish). But rest assured, fellow Caputonians, that I’ll swiftly return to my beloved motherland. And my beloved Cuisinart Grind and Brew Cofeemaker, with its elegant Ital- er, Caputonian styling.

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