I made a promise to myself at age seven. And I’m not one to break a promise.

I still remember sitting at that kitchen table on a warm summer morning back in 1985, the smell of pancake batter in the air, my mother and aunt laughing as they prepared breakfast and talked about what my cousins and I would do that day. Maybe the movie, or the zoo! But I didn’t care. All I knew was that those pancakes were the best thing I’d ever smelled. That day I made a vow. One day, when I was grown, I’d figure out a way to eat the all the pancakes a human could physically eat.

It’s taken some time to get in shape, of course. Long weeks of eating whole turkeys and hams to stretch out my stomach, then big empty days without food to clear the space. But I’m finally at peak eating condition, and with a Cuisinart 1500-watt Nonstick Electric Skillet in my house, I can begin the steps to live my dream.

Thanks to the size of the non-stick cooking surface, I can make big family-size portions of things like fajitas or grilled cheese… or pancakes. With my fork at the ready, I’ll be able to add batter, watch the temperature stays steady thanks to the indicator light, and then move that fluffy delicious circle straight to my mouth without pausing. Once I get the rhythm, it should be very easy. Pour, sizzle, chomp, pour, sizzle, chomp, it’s a wild groove that’ll take me to the winner’s circle just like that young me dreamed of all those years ago.

I can’t really find any information on the record, sadly, so I gotta ballpark it. I figure six hundred thousand will be enough, so that’s my personal goal. I’m also looking for a sponsor, if anyone runs a maple syrup company looking for a good way to get some attention. I promise to keep your logo in every shot!

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