People of Wisconsin, do not fear. I have come about your werewolves.

I hear you have a bit of a lycanthrope problem, Cheese State. I’m not sure which tribe of gypsies you run afoul of, but don’t you fret about it. I’m here to help. With the power of agriculture.

You see, what every good paranormal horticulturist knows is that the common werewolf can be warded off or forced to reveal their true nature with just the simple Aconitum plant, otherwise known as Wolfsbane. And it just so happens I have a truck bed full of the stuff. Fancy that.

And I want you to know, I have to tools necessary to plant these beauties in your garden today. Well, one tool. The Corona Clipper Fusion 11 Multi-Tool, to be precise. 10 tools for pruning, cutting, weeding, measuring, and sprinkling, and one tool for opening my beer. Now, that’s a gardener’s friend, right there. The pruning blade is stainless steel, cuts cleanly, and resists rust, as well. Plus, it’s compact, and has an thumb lock to keep me from cutting myself and drawing blood. And you know how much werewolves love blood.

Now, it says here in my almanac there’s a full moon comin’ soon. Maybe you should take my card, huh? You’ll want to call soon. I’ve a feeling my schedule will be filling up fast.

Back to top