No no! Stay over there. We can talk from here.

Listen, these types of conversations are never easy. They’re also incredibly uncomfortable due to the fact that people should make it to adulthood with some basic ability to care for themselves. Yeah, this is why I took on the rewarding challenge of working in HR.

No, Bill. That was sarcasm.

Look, I’ll level with you buddy. I’ve received six complaints this month about the- Ah, before you go and incriminate yourself any further, I wasn’t talking about sexual harassment complaints, Bill. But thanks for putting that on my radar. No, actually, as personal an issue as this is, people are complaining to the company about your breath.

Well I agree, it shouldn’t be something that ever comes up at work. But that would depend on you brushing your teeth more than monthly and perhaps not continuously stirring the coffee and cigarette butt stew that seems to be simmering in your throat.

Sorry, sorry. I know, that was out of line. But jeez, man. That smells so bad I feel like it must hurt.

Anyway, I looked into it and I can’t really FIRE you for bad breath, so I picked up a 48 Pack of Colgate Wisp Toothbrushes. Yeah, fine, you’ve got a toothbrush at home. Could’ve fooled me. But these aren’t regular toothbrushes: you use these on the go, after a particularly pungent meal or, in your case, after felling a water buffalo at 60 yards with your stank-nasty-breath. You don’t even need water; it’s got a little bead of moisture that will break open and probably start screaming at the situation it finds itself in.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to start asking everyone in your department if they know why you would assume I have sexual harassment complaints about you.

Back to top