Throw it away? My dear sir, I did not go to the trouble of collecting this sample merely to throw it away.

Yes, yes, I’m perfectly aware that most people who use the Pee Wee Unisex Urine Bag seal it up and dispose of it as soon as possible. But I trust you’ll find that I am hardly “most people.” No, as soon as I extract myself from the no-slip collar, I shall snap the Pee Wee closed and add it to my personal archive, with a tag indicating the time and volume of the sample.

Why? To preserve the wealth of genetic information encoded in each drop, of course! Where you see a pile of bags full of urine, I see a veritable Alexandria of data, invaluable to my future biographers, and historians of our age generally! Now, if you insist upon attempting to purge my archive, Officer, I shall have to have a word with the warden about his corrections officers overstepping their bounds.

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