Good evening, and welcome to [your name here] cinemas. Tickets, please?

We hope you enjoy your moviegoing experience. Please silence your cell phones, pagers, PDAs, travel alarm clocks, infants and gastrointestinal conditions.

To facilitate tonight’s screening of ONE MILLION YEARS B.C., [your name here] cinema management has taken down the oversized Van Halen poster that has adorned our north wall since 1989. The paint underneath has been protected, therefore, from 17 years of handprints, cigar smoke and superball scuffs, and retains a comparatively brilliant white sheen when seen side-by-side with the screening room’s other three dingy walls. When you see Raquel Welch’s bountiful talents squeezed into prehistory’s first and greatest cave-bikini, you’ll be glad we made this extra effort (and as furious as we are that the Academy overlooked ONE MILLION YEARS B.C. for 1966’s Costume Design Oscar).

Tonight’s feature will be projected through our state-of-the-art digital light processing Cinego front projector with integrated DVD player and 2.1 speaker system with subwoofer. This setup requires no union projectionist to operate and we think you’ll find the picture sharp and the sound clean. For those audience members who are sensitive to loud noises, we recommend a seat in the rearmost section of the theatre, which, on nights when no feature is being shown, we call “the laundry room.” While you’re back there, would you mind folding those towels? That would be awesome; thanks, mom.

Remember, [your name here] cinemas strictly prohibit film piracy. If you see someone in the audience with video recording equipment during tonight’s movie, please report him to [your name here] cinema staff, and we will make arrangements to just loan him the DVD already, sheesh.

Refreshments are not provided by [your name here] cinemas, so we encourage patrons to bring outside food and drink. There’s still time before the show, actually, if you want to run to the corner store. Bring me back some Teriyaki jerky, would you? We’ll wait.

Thank you, and enjoy the show!

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