“Hey, Pete, would you go down to Hole #4 and take care of a little problem? Some clown’s holding things up.”

Excuse me! EXCUSE ME, SIR?! No, not you, that guy, the one in the rainbow wig and the face paint. Yeah, that’s right, YOU! I want you back in your cart and off the grounds immediately, understand?

What is this? Why are you shrugging at me? Golf swing, silent chuckle… Oh, jeez. You’re miming, aren’t you? This is great, this is just great. Okay, here’s the deal. I’m kicking you off the property for a number of reasons. One, we’ve gotten several complaints about your pratfalls and hijinks as you “miss” the ball. You are holding up others who want to play through. Two, you are clearly not wearing the proper attire. On this course, we do not allow things that squirt, squeak, or honk as it is a disturbance to the other players. And finally, perhaps you didn’t read the rules when you came in, but a giant halibut and a bowling ball are not… not… ACHOO! Ugh, excuse me. Ah, a handkerchief. Thank you kindly, but those items still aren’t considered course regulation equipOMG I can’t believe I fell for the handkerchief gag. Just collect your things and go, please?

Yes, yes, it’s a very nice golf bag. A Callaway Hyper-Lite 3.0 Stand Bag, if I’m not mistaken, and very lightweight at only three pounds, so why not put away the halibut and… Okay, so you do have real clubs in there. Good for you. Everyone knows the Callaway has plenty of space for a full set of 14 clubs and, you know, you should really be putting things back into and not pulling out more clubs and… Okay, revealing the twelve foot lamp is an impressive trick, but YOU STILL HAVE TO LEAVE. Put your towel on the Chevron towel ring, stick your gloves to the Chevron Velcro glove holder, and fold up the superiorly stable Xtra Traction Flex Foot base. It’s time to go.

Yes, yes, sad clown face, whatever. Just come with me and… What are you doing? Oh, come on, THERE IS NO WIND, SIR. Please, just go back to your cart before I call security to escort you and your… Okay, see, you have WAY too many people sitting in that golf cart. You are so banned from this course, sir.

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