Well, hello, Mr. Bathroom Ceiling Light Fixture. Is it the day after Halloween already?

The crying of your five year-old. That’s what wakes you up. The light and the squealing causes you to squint as you flail your arms in hopes of propping yourself up and hushing the child before he wakes your wife. An awful sticky schlorp sounds out as you pull the skin of your back from the floor.

“Shhh. It’s okay, buddy, it’s okay,” you say, but one look down at yourself proves this situation to be everything but “okay”. A multitude of tiny candy wrappers and an empty pillow case are all that remains of your child’s Halloween haul. Melted chocolate and strings of caramel coat your arms, hands, chest, and face. Tiny balls of hardened, previously-chewed bubble gum decorate your knees, some hanging only by the hair they’ve been squished into. You’re pretty sure the wadded mass shoved into your armpits is crushed chocolate-covered malted milk balls, but since you can’t remember anything after blacking out in a candy-induced haze, you can’t be sure.

“Why, Daddy? Why did you eat all my candy again?! You can tell what he really means is “Why did you eat all my candy again, YOU MONSTER?!”

“Honey,” you say to him, “Daddy’s sick. Real sick. He can’t help himself when he’s around all that sweet, sweet candy. Even after three years of therapy, I just can’t hold back. But you can help me. You can bring me the Bissell Steam Shot Hard Surface Cleaner from the closet before your mother wakes up and sees what Daddy did.”

Your boy will suddenly stop crying and stare right into your eyes hard. “No, Daddy. Not this time.” Uh oh.

“Come on, buddy. Now’s not the time to develop a heightened sense of what’s right and wrong. Now run along and bring me the steamer. Once we’ve unleashed 500W of steam cleaning power on this mess, sanitizing and cleaning even the hardest to reach places, we’ll go out and buy you double the candy you got last year. TRIPLE, even.”

Your son will clutch his teddy bear close to his chin and shake his head while gazing at the floor. “I want you to stop being yucky, Daddy.”

“And I will! I swear I will! But if we don’t get the grout brushed out with the included brush, Mommy’s going to leave Daddy. You know what happens then? Nobody gets any candy ever again. Ever. You don’t want that do you?”

Your boy will start to wail like a police siren and make a run for it down the hall into your bedroom to wake your wife. Deep down, you knew this was coming. Even though that Bissell Steam Shot Hard Surface Cleaner can steam clean almost any hard surface, it could never really scrub away the darkness in your horrible, sugar-craving soul.

Back to top