Dear Athena:

I would like to register my displeasure with your AS-O6 outdoor speakers. When I read your promotional material claiming that these speakers were “designed for use in any room and in any environment”, I was overjoyed. At last, here was a speaker that not only delivered 125 watts per channel of crisp, dynamic sound, but was “engineered to perform flawlessly in cold or warm temperatures, and in any relative humidity.” I thought my prayers had been answered, and I bought a pair.

The trouble started as soon as I installed them on the patio of my summer home on Venus. Despite your boasts of their durability, the speakers literally crumpled under the atmospheric pressure. Then, before I could even box the pieces up to return to you for a refund, they melted in the 400-degree-Celsius heat and blew away in a dense cloud of sulfur dioxide. To make matters worse, this happened the day before my annual Tiki Luau party, which my guests were forced to endure without music.

I would appreciate a full refund for the set, or a replacement set of outdoor speakers designed to withstand Venusian conditions. Should you decline to satisfy this request, I fear I will have no choice but to crack open your skulls and feast on the soft grey pudding inside.

Thank you -
HDPjsdHJS’TTtt the Unpronounceable
Fairview, Venus

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