The Aspire Amplified 5.1 Speaker Set doesn’t just want to change the way you enjoy your fave choons, flicks, and games – it aspires to alter the very landscape of your home.

Like inscrutable monuments on an alien planet, the four front and surround speakers will tower over your pets and toddlers, rising more than three feet from their glass bases to achieve a dark, phallic majesty. But these long, tall drinks of audio have more going for them than mere height – they also deliver crisp, clear surround sound just the way you like it.

You have to wonder how the poor center speaker feels about all this as it squats atop your TV, but we’re sure it’s content to play its role. It’s a professional, you know? The 10” subwoofer is a bit on the stubby side, too, but what it lacks in verticality it makes up for in heft. This heavy, heavy monster sub weighs in at a stone cold 28.6 pounds. As the old saying goes, “You don’t need to be tall to generate phat, booming thump.”

But wait, where’s the amp that stirs the drink? It’s cleverly built right into that subwoofer, doling out 25 watts to each satellite speaker and keeping 100w for its own subwoofing purposes. Just jack your TV or DVD player right into the back and off you go on a wild ride of moderately-powered mystery-brand surround sound. The only thing left to do is buy new furniture to match your new speakers.

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