Sorry, Steve. You’ll always be Cap to me.

Listen, I realize we probably should’ve brought this up sooner but since you’ve refused to take back your usual shield from Bucky Rogers, we had to improvise. I want you to know that I take full responsibility for this: I told the guys in R&D to get you a shield, ANY shield, and that you’re freakin’ Captain America so you’d make it work.

I guess they decided to prove a point by supplying you with this Arctic Products Mosquito Shield.

I know, I know, it’s not vibranium, but you could still throw it at people. Well, it MIGHT come back to you. Hey! Don’t get all mad at me! I’m still not even sure how you got a giant shield to fly back to you after striking an opponent anyway!

Look, I always thought you were more of an optimist. Let’s look at the bright side: it’s 100% citronella, so it’s safe around kids and pets. Okay, Red Skull probably won’t have a lot of children running around, and if he DOES have pets they’re probably the kind you’ll wish were harmed by citronella. Still, it doesn’t have DEET! Plus it’s reloadable: just slide in a new repellant cartridge and twist it to activate. Did I mention you could still throw this at people?

That’s the spirit! Yeah, just jump in there! Okay, good luck Steve! Time to parachute down! We’ll see you at the extraction point!

Oh, crap. I forgot to give him the 4 D batteries!

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