“So what did you do?”

“Vlah. Vlah. You vant to know vat brought the Great Unholy here to this place? Have not you heard the vhispers of the Prince of Fear? The Dark Lord is a creature of the night, vone who commands the forces of darkness against the mortal fools. The Impaler moves has he pleases, under no man’s control. Vlah. And vhat did you do?”

“RAAAAAAAA”

“Oh, excellent, excellent! With my great genius, I can intuit that the mummy says he took a two pack of Altec Lansing iM207 Orbit-MP3 Speakers and tied Pharaoh’s butt cheeks together. An ingenious plan, perhaps matched only by my own! For I used a two pack of Altec Lansing iM207 Orbit-MP3 Speakers, designed primarily to work with iPods and portable MP3 players, that I might create a sonic ray which would enslave you all with beams of polished sound which would cascade in a 360 degree field! But sadly, before my genius could be revealed, it went off in my locker.”

“RAAAAAAAA”

“Vlah! Vhy are you always riding the back of the Champion of Darkness, cowardly mummy! Do you think you are better than the unchallenged Lord of the Night? Because, he assures you, he is most prepared to destroy you utterly and throughout all time.”

“Oh. My. God. On my planet, which is far superior to yours incidentally, we use the Altec Lansing iM207 Orbit-MP3 Speaker as a child’s toy. Did you know the Altec Lansing iM207 Orbit-MP3 Speaker is designed to work by itself, alone? You’re used to being alone, right, Mad Scientist? That’s good, because you can’t use two Altec Lansing iM207 Orbit-MP3 Speaker as a pure ‘stereo system’ as you earthlings call it in your primitive tongue. So totally, okay?”

“Princess, despite your strange language, I can gather your meaning, and I promise you, when the saucers of your people arrive, my sonic ray will crush your invasion fleet to the most basic of atoms!”

“RAAAAAAAA”

“Do not defend her, mummy! The Altec Lansing iM207 Orbit-MP3 Speaker is durable enough for almost anything, so you will never defeat my sonic ray!”

“Vlah! You losers vant to fight? Very well, it is commanded of you! You are under my thrall! Fight for the amusement of the Lord of Evil! Fight to the death!”

“As if. L-l-lameoid!”

“So I’m a nymphomaniac under a full moon.”

“Vhat?”

“Gag me.”

“This is of no consequence to my sonic ray.”

“RAAAAAAAA”

“Just saying, I guess. You can just keep ignoring me if you want. I don’t mind. Everybody does.”

“Vlah. No, the crazy voman vith too much body hair. she is correct. It is not often the Master of Sin is humbled before the mere passions of an animal, but today, he admits his defeat. For perhaps it is his focus on proving himself to his vather… his vather who vas never there for him… except for that time vather gave him a carton of cigarettes… vather… vather… It is because of you the Most Bloodthirsty speaks of himself in third person all the time…”

“Wow, gnarly. You humans totally made Batman cry.”

“No, your majesty. It was not us. It was them. The adults who don’t understand, or have forgotten what it meant to be a monster. Perhaps I should be assembling a sonic ray made from the power of the Altec Lansing iM207 Orbit-MP3 Speaker to fight against them… and not against us.”

“RAAAAAAAA”

“Tubular.”

“I’m, I guess, sorry too. I have self control issues, or something, maybe.”

“Ve… ve perhaps learned something today. The King of Terror extends his protection to you all. Even you, strange Princess from another world. For you, like all of us, understand what it is like to rule, yet be feared. Come, let us write this hideous required essay… as one.”

Dear Mr. Van Helsing,

We accept that fact that you consider us outcast monsters because of whatever you think we did wrong. But we think you’re crazy to say that the Altec Lansing iM207 Orbit-MP3 Speaker is a worthless item. You see us as you want to see us: in the simplest terms and as a series of cliches. But, because of you, we found out that each one of us is a mad scientist, a mummy, a werewolf, an alien, and a vampire. And we thank you for showing us that during our most formative years.

Does that answer your question?

Sincerely,

The Breakfast Club

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