“Center channel”. Pffft. You ask us, this so-called “center channel” is the biggest scam in the sound industry since Michael Bolton won a Grammy. Think about it, man: the more channels the Speaker-Industrial Complex fatcats can sell you, the larger their villas on the French Riviera. We beg you, take a step back from the 5.1-channel precipice. That way lies ignorance and serfdom. If Thomas Edison, the first mug to grift this whole recorded-sound racket, pumped his jams through a little tin horn, surely a 4.1-channel setup can amply service your genteel ears.

Exhibit A in The People vs. Center Channel: the Altec Lansing ADA745 5-piece 4.1 95W Speaker System. It don’t need no stinkin’ fifth channel! Fully 51 of its 95 watts jack directly into the subwoofer, with the balance distributed among four satellite speakers. Switch ‘em on and get ready for the most ecstatic aural rapture that thirty-five bucks can buy. They’ll agreeably sit on your desk or hang onto the wall, however you prefer, and they’re so easy to set up, every time we walk through the warehouse we set up a few on accident.

The road to slavery runs straight through the center channel. For evil to prevail, it is necessary for good people to believe the 5.1-channel myth. The Man can’t bust our music – but if we lower our guard he can slip his evil, parasitic center channel into our homes. Are you going to let him?

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