WARNING: Warranty void when device is altered by use of spells, charms, or curses.

I wouldn’t exactly say I was driven mad with power. For one thing, I wasn’t all that powerful: I only knew a little basic magic, and although it was the real stuff, I couldn’t have put on a show worthy of Doug Henning, much less an actual wizard.

But I’ll admit there must have been some hubris involved. Why else would I turn my modest supernatural powers on the Acoustic Research Xsight Universal Remote? It already came with a color LCD touchscreen, a backlit keypad, the ability to control up to 18 devices, and personal profiles for everyone who might use it. But in my arrogance, simply having an amazing universal remote wasn’t enough. And it wasn’t because fine-tuning can be a little confusing, or the web interface is awkward and not always the most responsive. It was because there was one major thing it couldn’t do to enhance my viewing experience: bring me hot wings.

So I Googled up some chicken-conjuring spells, adapted them so they’d be spicier – wizard cuisine is notoriously bland – and cast what I thought were the appropriate enchantments on the Acoustic Research Xsight Universal Remote. But I didn’t get a remote that would magically bring me a platter of zesty, lip-smacking wings. I got… something else.

The remote seemed to come alive. Somehow, rather than gaining the power to conjure chicken, it must have fused with the chicken in the spells. Its sleek contours were swallowed up by the organic curves and bulges of its fleshy new form. And a huge form it was. As the Acoustic Research Xsight Universal Remote breathed into profane life on my coffee table, it swelled up to at least five feet long. The word “abomination” did cross my mind as I watched its pockmarked skin swell and settle with each profane breath. The humane thing to do would have been to put the unholy creature out of its misery.

But I couldn’t. There was something about this massive, grotesque chicken-remote hybrid that stopped me from simply wishing it into the void. Something intriguing. Something irresistible.

Anyway, we got married in a small pagan ceremony a month later, and we’ve been together ever since. It’s not exactly Mad About You, but we make it work. Her hot wings are awful, though.

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