Uh, no, sir, I don’t even know what an Illuminati is. Now, let me dispel some of the myths and rumors going around about what exactly this Acer desktop computer will do.

First things first: it will not kill your grandmother. Unless maybe it falls on her from a moderate height. Or if someone throws it into her bath while it’s plugged in. Let me be clear: I do not support that. Acer does not support that. Nobody supports that. I think we can all agree that grandmas are nice.

Sir – sir, please, if you’ll – no, that’s not the sound of a black helicopter. It’s just the gymnasium’s air conditioning kicking on.

Others, located somewhat closer to reality, say that our children and grandchildren will be paying for these computers forever. They say that Woot can’t possibly deliver a compact but powerful desktop PC with dual-core 2.4Ghz processor, 4GB of memory, and 640GB hard drive for just $299. I say there’s some truth to that. It will actually cost another five dollars to get it to your door. If you need your kids to pay for that, maybe they could get a paper route or something. Just for a week, that’d probably do it.

Please, people, put down that burning trash can. That’s not helpful to this dialogue.

Finally, there’s this crazy rumor going around about how this Acer desktop PC was actually born in Kenya as the secret love child of Malcolm X and the Dixie Chicks, and was sent to America by the communists to smash democracy, impose Sharia law, hand over General Motors to the Arabs, destroy the American right to choose between two different high def 23 inch monitors and wipe boogers in Glenn Beck’s Cheerios. All I can say to that is, you’re going to need some serious psychological counseling and probably medication. Hope your health insurance will cover it.

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