“Oh, hey Alejandro. Glad you thought to come flying in my window without knocking the second I walked in the house for Winter Break. Please, make yourself at home.”

“I am sorry, Julietta, I could not stay away. For though I am eternal, my heart is full of love for you. The sort of love that can only be shared between a thousand year old high school student who is also a vampire and his innocent misunderstood yet beautiful girlfriend. A girlfriend who has been so far away at school, with her apparently brand new Acer Aspire 10.1” Netbook she didn’t tell me about. But now, Julietta. Now, we are together. Now, we are alone. Let me ravish you with my…”

“Okay, Alejandro? Alejandro! Hey! Watch those hands, mister! Listen, Alejandro, we need to talk, okay? I didn’t want to do it this way but… we have to break up. I’m sorry. Let’s stay friends?”

“We… I… Julietta! Break up? But… you are my pre-destined! You are she with whom I share the deepest of all loves! I made you this mix tape and brought you this bear! See? I got it at the drug store on my way over!”

“Yeah, you’re sweet, and you’ve got a hot bod and everything, but… well, I’m a college freshman now, Alejandro, and all my new girlfriends are telling me I need to consider someone a little… better. With more long term potential.”

“My beloved, no! I am an immortal, who could have more long term potential than I? Are you just making up reasons now?”

“Oh. My. God. Look, Alejandro, it’s not you, really! It’s me! We’ve just grown apart! Sure, when we met, that sparkling nonsense was great, and I know I made all my high school girlfriends soooo jealous by dating a vampire my senior year. So thanks for that, honestly. It made me feel really special. But now, well, I’m just more into a gig of DDR2 533 SDRAM or a 160 gig hard drive.”

“Wait, Julietta, I can change! My darling, anything you want, anything, and I’ll do it! In all my years on this earth, I have never met a thing so beautiful and precious as you are to me today! Let me take your sweet hand into mine and-”

“Okay, Alejandro, this is what my Intro to Psych T.A. tells me is a negative situation. Look, it’s nothing you’ve done, it’s just… there’s a big difference being in college, you know? Or maybe you don’t, since you’re still cruising high school chicks. Honestly, you’re, like, older than my dad! And do you know how hard it is to sleep with all that sparkling? The Acer Aspire 10.1” Netbook has a 160 gig hard drive and it doesn’t glow all night when I close the lid. Byron says he likes that about it.”

“Julietta, my sweet, sweet, only, forever love! I cannot… wait, Byron?”

“Yeah, he’s in my History of Religion class. It’s a requirement, but Byron makes it fun. He always makes me laugh, he does improv at this local bar. He says he can get me in, which would rock!”

“My love, oh, my Julietta…. without you… what good is what I am, in what passes for my life? Where shall I go? I beg of you, say you will be mine!”

“Yeah, see, “mine” isn’t something I want to be a part of any more now that I’ve started reading a little feminist theory for the freshman Women’s Studies program. I mean, I have my Acer Aspire 10.1” Netbook, I can be free to travel anywhere, do anything. Did you know that this Acer Aspire 10.1” is portable and runs Windows XP? And I also get my choice of colors, and it has a multi-card reader as well as Wireless LAN. That’s a lot to offer, especially when compared to… well, lyric poetry, I guess. And the constant sparkling. I mean, you’re like a thousand years old, didn’t you think to invest? Even a few bucks? Around, like, the discovery of the New World or something? Did you think a whole new landmass was just too risky?”

“Julietta, what are you saying? I love you! I can’t bear to be without you! Oh, remember that time we fought those werewolves? And you said it brought us closer together as people?”

“Alejandro, what we shared will always be special. But I need to find myself now. That’s why I’m going to stay here, with my Acer Aspire 10.1”, and get on my webcam and chat with Byron. And you’re going to go back out that window. You’ll get over me, Alejandro. You’ll see. In a few hundred years, you won’t even remember me.”

“Julietta! Wait! Didn’t you notice what the bear is holding? A little heart that says ‘I can’t bear to be without you.’ In flowery embroidery! Do you see? Because I love you that much!”

“Ugh. Alejandro. Grow up.”

“Wait, Julietta! Wait! I know we can find true love if we… um, is that holy water?”

“Yeah, Byron got me some. Good night, Alejandro. And you can keep the bear.”

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