WASHINGTON (WNN)—In dramatic testimony before a Congressional panel today, the Acer Aspire 9800 Notebook denied that its incredible abilities and gargantuan size were due to performance-enhancing drugs. But skeptics continued to call for the Aspire to submit to mandatory laboratory testing.

“Just look at the statistics. They’re unprecedented,” says tech writer Mance Filliams, whose book Lap of Shadows purports that the Aspire 9800 has taken steroids for most of its career. “A 20.1-inch LCD, 2GB RAM, 240GBs of hard drive space. It’s unreal. And look how huge it is – it’s way too big for any lap that I know of. It’s making a mockery of the game.”

During the hearing, the Aspire firmly insisted that it has never used illegal substances.

“The only performance enhancers I need,” it said, “are my Intel Core Duo processor and my NVIDIA GeForce Go 7600 graphics card with 256 MB dedicated memory. I got those things from my creator, not from a syringe. Yes, I’ve been surgically refurbished, but find me a major-league laptop who hasn’t.”

Despite the denials, the panel continued to probe the Aspire over the issue. In response to pointed questioning from Rep. Claire Creame (B-ND), the typically testy Aspire snapped, “I will not sit here while you guys try to badmouth my 1.3-megapixel webcam. If you don’t like it, congresswoman, you know where you can shove it.”

The controversy has not kept the Acer Aspire from finding work. “We’re happy to have the 9800 on board, and we look forward to a productive, exciting season,” said Doug Klepkemeier, who purchased the Acer Aspire to replace his family’s retired desktop PC. “Our organization would prefer to focus on the future, rather than these unsubstantiated allegations.”

But as the Acer Aspire 9800 continues its quest for the all-time laptop performance record this season, some observers think that the notebook’s reputation is permanently tainted.

“Sure, some people will get excited about watching HD-DVDs on the 9800, or watching TV with its integrated tuner, or browsing the web with its 802.11g wireless capability,” says Filliams. “But as far as I’m concerned, all of those gaudy accomplishments are meaningless. I’m convinced they all took place against the rules, outside the law, out of bond- er, bounds.”

Back to top