So many poor souls to help. So many lost wretches reaching out for succor. My email inbox is full of them. Look, here’s a plea from Khalid Mahmoud of Bahrain, stricken with “Oesophageal cancer” that has “defiled all
forms of medical treatment”. A certain Miss Chechen Lindstrom needs help transferring her late father’s funds out of Kenya – poor dear, it’s going to be difficult to find a partner who will do that, what with everyone so afraid of those Nigerian email scammers. And then there’s Gustavo Quinn, who was always “embarrassed in the locker-room” until he found a special herbal supplement that made his “anatomy thicker and longer, even when flaccid”. Now we wants to share the secret with the world. That’s generosity.

Well, Gustavo may have found help, but what about the others? Who speaks for Miss Chechen Lindstrom and the rest? I’ve decided the public library’s free Internet service, while affordable, is no longer sufficient for the breadth of work I must undertake. It’s time to get a computer for my home. The question isn’t whether I can afford to buy the Acer Aspire Dual Core 1.6Ghz/2GB Vista Home Premium PC. It’s whether, with so much suffering in the world, I can afford not to.

I’ll admit, I don’t quite understand what phrases like “2GB DDR2 RAM” and “320GB SATA Hard Drive” really mean. I couldn’t tell an Intel Core 2 Duo E2140 1.6GHz Processor from Shinola. But whatever a DVD+RW Double Layer Optical Drive is, I’m sure it can only help pitiable children of God like Mrs. Maryann Andersen, a widow from Holland who is dying from cancer. Remarkably, even in her state, she still wants to “donate the sum of $21,500,000.00 Twenty one Million Five hundred thousand United States dollars to the motherless baby homes, needy, poor, charity homes and widows too”. Hang on, Mrs. Andersen. With the help of my Acer Aspire Dual Core 1.6Ghz/2GB Vista Home Premium PC, we’ll help the motherless baby homes, needy, poor, charity homes.

Yes, and widows too.

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