I have an announcement to make. After a year and several months of successfully running an online university on a deal-a-day website's blog, I've decided I want to run something even bigger: the country. That's right! I - Sean Adams, founder of The Sean Adams University of Business Management Development Leadership - am running for president!
Now, when I made this decision those many hours ago, it wasn’t so I could promise the same big changes and take stances on the same hot-button issues as all the other candidates. No, I want to focus on the small things that we, as a country, need to keep the same, and to discuss the issues that no other politician is brave enough to talk about: the non-issues. So, America, here’s what you can expect if you elect me as your president.
While I am in office, Rhode Island will not be forced to change its name. Nor will powerful explosives be used to separate it from the coast so that it can fulfill its islandy implications. My critics will call this “upholding illogical naming practices” but I think of it more as “honoring tradition.”
If anyone ever introduces a bill to make insects taxable income, I will absolutely vote against it. Because insects being taxable income would mean they’d have to be accepted as currency, and then people would bring insects into restaurants, which would be gross. Also, we’d have to get people to go around and count them, and sure, that’d create some jobs, but do you really think that’s what the founding fathers meant when they talked about the American Dream? Counting bugs?
Under no circumstance will I, as commander-in-chief, secretly change any word’s definition to be synonymous with “fart” so that I can giggle at all the people talking about flatulence without even realizing it. No, if I’m elected, the only word that’ll mean “to fart” will be “fart” itself, and when it is spoken, we will come together as a nation to laugh in solidarity!
You know how there’re those signs along our roads and highways informing us of various traffic laws? Well, as president, I’ll definitely keep those around.
Speaking of roads, under my administration, we’ll continue to drive on the right side, not the left. Otherwise, what is there to separate us from the British? A funny accent? And who knows, maybe driving on the left side of the road is the very thing that gives you a funny accent. I certainly haven’t seen any science that proves otherwise.
Here’s a promise: as long as I’m in the White House, painting will continue to happen. I don’t care if it’s basically the slow, obsolete version of photography; I’m keeping it! Because painters are the visionaries of this great country of ours. They can create things on their canvases that no photographer will ever see through his viewfinder. For example, mermaids playing beach volleyball.
And on the subject of stuff that’s pretty to look at, have you ever noticed how there’re all these trees, mountains, and lakes around? As president, I'll totally just leave those where I find them. Even the ones in boring states!
But most importantly, I will never abuse my executive power to make it mandatory for customer service professionals to wear stilts. No, the only careers that will require stilts will be those that always did, and the people who enter those careers will do so of their own volition. Although, it would be pretty fun to be served coffee from a really tall barista. (Just something to think about, coffee shops.)
Of course, this is just some of the stuff that will stay the same under my watch. There are many, many more things that I won’t change, many other stones that I will leave unturned, figuratively speaking. And literally speaking too. Unless the stone is in the way of a door or something. Then I might move it when no one’s looking.
Let me know what you think of my candidacy in the comments below. (And, on the off chance, that I don't get elected [LOL, why even mention it, right?!] I'll be back here next Thursday.)