Woot : One Day, One Deal (SM)

MyVu, Right or Wrong

Ladies and gentlemen of the committee, distinguished legislators, and terrorist pawns: the bill before you today is, to put it mildly, worse than slavery and nuclear war combined.

The American Video Goggle Council of America, whom I represent, is deeply concerned about the intrusion of big government into the freedoms we hold dear. Foremost among those freedoms is the right to watch the videos we want to watch, on the devices we choose. It’s what John Wayne went to war to protect. I don’t think any of us want to answer to John Wayne in the afterlife.

Banning the use of the MyVu Solo Plus EV Media Viewer while driving is tantamount to declaring war on our way of life. I implore you, don’t let public policy be dictated by the hysteria of the anti-freedom cabal. They wildly claim that using the innocent MyVu Solo Plus EV Media Viewer while operating a motor vehicle would somehow endanger the public safety. That’s clearly preposterous. Its 320×240 resolution image and patented SolidOptex® technology still allow the user a significant portion of his or her peripheral vision – up to several percent, according to the most reputable researchers that we’ve been able to bribe.

Do you have any idea how many iPods and iPhones have been sold in the United States? Do you have any idea how many people enjoying watching videos of some kind? Clearly, the American people have spoken. MyVu has responded by including an Apple-certified iPod/iPhone conversion cable, and standard A/V cables for other portable devices and gaming systems. How will this committee respond to the voice of the public? Please don’t twist those conversion cables into a noose around Lady Liberty’s neck.

I can testify personally that the MyVu Solo Plus EV Media Viewer does not interfere with anyone’s ability to conduct routine activities. How do I know? Because I’m watching Red Dawn on mine right now. I don’t think I need to remind the committee who won that one, do I? In closing, thank you for your time and your willingness to hear from the American Video Goggle Council of America. Wolverines!

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Good things happen at the end of rainbows.

Pots of gold and equal rights marriages, mostly.

Somewhere, over the rainbow
Monkeys fly,
Wearing silly little capes
That bring tears to my eye

Somewhere, over the rainbow
Deals come on Woot
And the deals that you dare to buy
Fill your house with loot

Someday I’ll buy a flying monkey
And I’ll shoot it at the flunky
Behind me
At my computer where I scoff,
Another winding down Woot Off
That’s where you’ll find me

Somewhere, over the rainbow
Monkeys fly,
Wearing silly little capes
Why then, oh why can’t I?

If happy little monkeys fly
Wearing rainbows
Why, oh why can’t I?

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And If You Order In the Next 30 Minutes

“Yes, ladies and gentlemen, with the Back to Basics Nut Roaster, you can enjoy fresh glazed nuts in just ten minutes!”

“Steve? Steve, what are you doing up? It’s 3 AM.”

“I’m just showing the folks at home how the incredible Back to Basics Nut Roaster delivers all the great taste and nutrition of hot, roasted nuts – right on the stove-top!”

“Who? What folks? You’re alone.”

“That just means more roasted nuts for me! I’m talking almonds. I’m talking cashews. I’m talking walnuts, pecans, hazelnuts – the Back to Basics Nut Roaster does it all!”

“Steve, come back to bed.”

“The secret is the heavyweight, non-stick roasting pan. It conducts heat evenly, for a nice, thorough roast without scorching the nut-flesh.”

“Nut-flesh? Steve, I think you’re sleepwalking or crazy or something.”

“If it’s crazy to love the Back to Basics Nut Roaster, I don’t want to be sane! Here’s how to order.”

“Wait a minute. I see. I see. Steve, honey, I’m sorry, and I know it’s been hard on you, but we both know we can’t afford to get the cable turned back on.”

“I… I… I just miss it so much.”

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Look It Up If You Don’t Believe Us

He was like the perfect storm of electable.

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Gee, that is an awfully large tub of petroleum jelly.

And, might I add, the blue in those latex gloves really brings out the color in your eyes.

I’m telling you, I just made a simple misTAke. I did everything I was supposed to. I took off my shoes, and put all the metal in my pockets in the stupid baAAAAsket. I just didn’t even think about it when I told the TSA security guy that my laptop bag had a Razer in YEEEEEEOOOOWW. Couldn’t you be a little easier back there? I think that was my spleen you just poked.

You’re going back for more? Couldn’t you at least maybe warm that stuff up first?

Listen to me, the “Razor” you are so GENtly looking for is a Razer Pro Click Mobile mouse. The one that was actually in my laptop bag like I saaAAAAID it was? It’s awesome for traveling with it’s small size and portaaAaability. It’s comfortable to use, has a long battery life, Bluetooth 2.0 with adaptive frequency hopping and I am pretty sure it is not EEKhidingbehindmyLIVER, officer.

Phew. Is that it? Are we done here? No, I understand you’re just doing your job. You do good work. I’ve never had my lungs tickled before, and now I can say I have.

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Take back the night from your cell phone company.

Sick of overages and ever-changing fee rates? Go 2-Way.

I’m serious, man. You think cell phones have the market cornered on communication? People were using stuff like these Cobra PR4500 microTalk GMRS/FRS 16 Mile 2-Way Radios decades ago. And you know what? They work. And they work without a credit check or exorbitant monthly billing.

“What about 3-way calling?” you say. How ‘bout 10 unique call tones to help differentiate between parties on incoming calls? That’s right. T-E-N. “My phone’s great! It never drops a call!” you say. Feh. My 2-Way has an auto squelch that shuts off weak transmissions or background noise because I don’t WANT to hear from wimps. Plus, it lets me scan channels, or even CTCSS privacy codes within channels; I’ll always find someone to talk to. “I get nationwide calling!” you argue. Yeah? Well I can radio anyone within 16 miles. When’s the last time you called someone more than 16 miles away? “How can you text with it? How do you update your Twitter or your Facebook?” you snidely ask. Well…okay, you’ve got me there. But I’m hiking through the woods with a 2-way radio. Do I look the kinda guy who cares about tweeting my location every 12 minutes?

Is that fancy iPhone water resistant? Didn’t think so. Does it automatically send a tone to indicate the completion of your transmission, thereby removing the need to say “Roger” or make that “ksshhh” sound when you’re done? Doubt it. Yeah, my handy little radio keeps me in touch with everyone else who’s got one for none of the monthly cost of your “luxurious” cell phone. I just wish more people had one.

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All The Cleveland Ladies

Aw, you can’t trust them ladies, man. They never tell you the truth. Not like my bros.

Like, with Feedbag here, that’s his nickname, right? And me and Feedbag, we go out, and we eat wings and fart and laugh, and we’re, like, straight up. But then I get these Cleveland Ladies Golf Clubs, and they’re, you know, flexible and they’ve got a springy shaft and they’re designed to help with a weak fade or slice, but, like, we know they’re a 5 Wood with a 22 degree loft or a 7 wood with a 25 degree slice, but some of them say something totally different. And that’s crazy! Why would a golf club have to lie? I’ll tell you why. Because it’s a ladies golf club.

I know, I know, that’s sexist or whatever, but hey, my man Feedbag and I, when we go out, it’s all what it is, you know? It’s no trying to figure out what club is telling the truth and what club is all crazy in the head. After a pitcher of beer, when Feedbag sits on my lap and starts making out with me, I know, right? I know he really cares. Because that’s what bros do. They look out for each other. They don’t make stuff up and leave you guessing. So hey, you take the Cleveland Ladies Golf Clubs all you want. Me? I’m taking hold of something else from now on. Sorry, Cleveland Ladies Golf Clubs. You’ve driven me away for good.

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Lighting Up The Dark Age

Nobody remembers when the Tripods came. Seems they’ve always been there. Standing. Watching. Shining.

Simple folk like us just want to go about our business, to tend to our fields and our livestock and our body lice. We daren’t hope for things like soap or music or portable hands-free lighting, not since Everything Changed. The elders say that the Tripods were good, once. Their three separate flashlights each shone 20 lumens of light through shatter-resistant lenses, and their base opened up into a nifty three-legged stool.

But them days are gone, they are. Now, when the Tripods shine their lights on your village, looking for some runaway human slave or an amusing new pet to whisk off to their domed cities, you’d best cower in your wattle and daub hut. If only it were possible for a small group of children to topple a post-apocalyptic global oligarchy. But of course, it isn’t.

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Snug as a bug in a tub

Because in the darkness, it does kind of look like a monster waiting to bite your junk off.

Are you comfy, Billy? Yes, the linoleum is probably a little hard on your back, but it’s only temporary. Careful not to kick the shower on in your sleep, either.

I don’t know why your mother and I haven’t thought of this before. This way, if you have an “accident”, it’ll just flow right into the drain! And as soon as you learn not to wet the bed, or the tub, rather, you can go back to your Big Boy bed. I promise.

This is not a license to “make water” while you sleep, though. This is a teaching tool. See, the toilet is right there next to you. Just jump right out and there it is waiting for your “recyclables”. And so you don’t get scared during the night, we’ve installed a Luminosity Toilet Flush Handle Night Light to not only keep you company, but help lead the way for your special deliveries to the Porcelain Pool.

The nightlight should provide more than enough light for your “business” as it glows in the darkness. And you won’t forget to flush, either. All you have to do is reach for the light, and it’s soft, sleep-friendly touch will guide you.

Okay, Billy, time for lights out. No, young man, you cannot call your wife. Wives are for Big Boys. You can call you wife AFTER you’ve learned your to do your tinkies properly.

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A Special Woot-Off Deal for all you Roomba lovers

Goodness knows, we love Roombas here at Woot. Heck, we’ve almost built an empire on the things. But even we know that there are some places they shouldn’t go.

“Ugh. Oh. Oh, yeah. That’s right. That’s RIGHT.”

“Yes, you’re doing very well, sweetie. Now let’s wrap this up and OH MY GOD!”

“Holy crap, did you just..?”

“LOOK! THERE IN THE DOORWAY, BILLY!”

“Oh, hey there, little buddy! Looks like the Roomba wanted to see where all the ‘action’ was.”

“Well, shoo it away! I thought it was supposed to vacuuming your floor. It’s just sitting there, staring with it’s little eye. Frisbee-shaped pervert.”

“Aw, honey. Poor little guy was just curious. Maybe it just wanted to say ‘hello’. Go on, boy. Go back to your docking station.”

“I don’t trust it, the way it scoots around picking up all manner of things. I swear I caught it rifling through my purse the other day and I KNOW I’m missing some dimes.”

“You’re being a bit ridiculous, I think.”

“OH, AM I? Well then, maybe you’d like to enjoy Naked Bookshelf Construction Wednesday by yourself, mister.”

“Whoa, hey, whoa. Let’s not be crazy. If it’ll make you feel better, I’ll grab an iRobot Virtual Wall next time I’m online.”

“I don’t know…”

“Listen, the iRobot Virtual Wall uses an infrared signal to set up a wall that the Roomba won’t cross. Once we set up an ‘off-limits’ area, Scootie won’t be able to peek in on our more intimate moments.”

“That sounds like a good… Wait. You named your Roomba ‘Scootie’?”

“I… I was so very alone before you came along.”

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