Woot : One Day, One Deal (SM)

There are only so many stories to tell. You've got "boy meets girl", you've got "stranger comes to town", you've got "man goes on a journey", you've got "teenager takes mad scientist's DeLorean back in time and narrowly avoids making out with his own mom." Everything else is just dramatic spice.

So judge ye not your filmed entertainment by the originality of its central conceit, but by the flavor of that spice. And the hacky, illogical plot gimmicks collected in these montages by various upstanding netizens are stale enough to turn any viewer's stomach. Once you've been inoculated by the numbing repetition of these tired banalities, you'll never watch TV the same way again. Roll film! (There's some NSFW language in some of these clips, so keep your fainting couch handy.)

Let's Enhance by YouTube user dunk3d
Surveillance cam footage too low-res to identify the killer? Just hit that trusty enhance button until you've got your man. The geriatric viewers of those CBS crime dramas won't know how stupid that is, and then you can quickly move on to more lurid footage of dismembered strippers or whatever this episode's main attraction is. What a healthy society we live in...

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Bzzzz! The buzz-makers are abuzz with anticipation about Google's announcement of a broad new social product later today. We've peered deeply into our Gopher-interoptable crystal ball to see what that might be...

1. Google Attic: upload your clothes right from your closet and store your whole out-of-season wardrobe in "the cloud".
2. Google Wallflower: generates a stable of AI "friends" so you can have a thriving social network without fear of actual human contact.
3. Google Infinite Loop: tweets your Facebook status updates that syndicate your retweets of your Facebook updates about your tweets...
4. Google MailFight: assigns Dexterity, Strength and Charisma ratings to your gmail messages, allowing them to battle each other, level up, and unlock exclusive email sigs.
5. Google PickItUp: sets your gmail messages to an infectious ska beat.
6. Google ?: the ultimate in microblogging: one-character status updates.
7. Google Nexus Three: a new handheld device like the Nexus One, but three times bigger, and without the phone functions.
8. Google Bouncer: pre-screens friend requests before you receive them and alerts you when it turns someone down. It may raise privacy concerns, but isn't it worth it to ensure you never get a friend request from an ex?
9. Google ThoughtCounts: automatically emails your contacts on the day after their birthdays, to tell them you totally meant to send an e-card.
10. Google Sharia: a fully-integrated social network for you and your friends to coordinate honor killings, public stonings, punitive amputations, and burning down girls' schools. Plan meetups, vote for your favorites, and share (non-idolatrous) pictures and video!
11. Google Id: with a combination of biometric technology and detailed search-history analysis, it senses your real search desires, regardless of what you say you want.
12. Google CheerUp: when showing 0 new messages, Gmail randomly re-routes an email from someone else's Inbox so you don't feel lonely.
13. Google CrimeAgainstNature: merges data with 23andMe to ensure that that gal you're flirting with isn't actually your 4th cousin.
14. Google Throwback: allows Netscape users to choose between Altavista, Webcrawler, HotBot, or Infoseek skins for retro-search cool. Only indexes material posted before 1998.
15. Google InviteOnly: social invite network allows you to invite your friends so they can get their own invites to invite people with.
16. Google Caddyshack 2000: Google remakes the 1981 comedy, to see how many people will still defend Google no matter what. Starring Dane Cook, Kim Kardashian, Vince Vaughn, Snooki, the Orange County Choppers guys, and Chevy Chase, and featuring Verne Troyer as The Gopher.
17. Google Wave: No, seriously. This time you guys'll love it.

What are your inside contacts telling you about this world-shattering announcement? (Yes, the contacts inside your mind count, too.)

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Commercials don't just come out of thin air, y'know. A lot of time, thought, and money goes into distilling an advertiser's product into the perfect message that resonates with you, the 18-25 year-old male with disposable income. And lots of research has shown that the message that resonates most is the one that makes you think, "I'm just like that guy."

(Before you lay into us for focusing entirely on men and neglecting the female demographic, please understand that if advertisers cared enough to notice women have grown a bit since the days of Wilma Flintstone, we'd be happy to include those ads as well.)

So with that mind, what did Sunday's big ad-stravaganza say about how advertisers see you?

Dodge Thinks You Are: A Resentful, Henpecked Man-Child

If you're trying to prove that your car is big, fast, and tough, I guess you need to convince men that they're not already any of those things. I guess the FCC has a problem with the Charger's original pitch: "Dodge Charger. Buy it. Unless you're a total p&^%$*," so we got this instead.

You, according to Dodge, are simply going through the motions, completely emasculated by your spouse and hating every minute of your soulless existence with her. They never bother to explain how it got to the point where you can't utter a single opinion of your own, but you might consider plunking down that $30,000 on some couples therapy rather than a car with crappy gas mileage....

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Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

GLENDALE, Calif. (UPI) -- Animal welfare authorities in Glendale, Calif., said they are trying to catch a free-range chicken frequently spotted wandering into traffic.

Authorities are urging the chicken to turn itself in, saying they just want to ask it a question.

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Sometimes in life, we're faced with events so horrific, so tragic, and so overpowering that it can feel impossible to know how to begin recovering. Yesterday, Miramax Studios announced they will be shutting down their Los Angeles and New York offices.

Which means Harvey and Bob Weinstein are out on the street.

Before you gnash your teeth and curse the heavens, we know: it's not right that the brothers who brought us gems like Scary Movie 3, Bride & Prejudice, Jersey Girl, and Kate & Leopold should get a raw deal like this.

Now these guys are strong-willed, and believe us, they will bounce back. But they're going to need our help.

We've set up a relief fund, Woot4Weinsteins. You can help by texting "I would really like to ensure Bob and Harvey Weinstein are able to continue their extravagant lifestyle!" to 99099. Each text you send will authorize a small $10,000 donation to be added to your phone bill for the relief effort.

Please contribute any amount you can, as long as it's at least enough for an all-night cocaine binge at Mood.

We can't always prevent tragedies from happening. But we can make a difference.

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If you heard about Apple's big announcement yesterday for their super duper new tablet through some awesome liveblog or something, you might've been a little underwhelmed by the name choice. Some of you may have even gone so far as to imply the name sounds a bit like a feminine hygiene product, in which case congratulations: you and 3 million other people on the internet were in sync for several hours.

But it got us thinking: with a name as corny (and prone to horrible monologue jokes from that grinning idiot hosting that show we'll never watch again) as iPad, what options did Apple pass up?

• iTouché
• iWantedAniPhone
• iNeedMySpace
• iNeverLovedYou
• iHaveTooMuchDisposableIncome
• iChabodCrane
• iDitarod
• iAmIamIamISaidIWannaGetNextToYou
• iRape (the broccoli-like vegetable, not the horribly violent sex crime)
• iFlat
• iDropAppleStock
• iFail
• iTouch Grande
• iCan'tUseThisStandingUp

Sure, some of those names are worse than iPad, but I personally like the sound of iTouch Grande. What would you have called Apple's new Tablet?

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Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

NEW YORK (UPI) -- Two New York plumbers were jailed after two police officers mistook a bag of candy for crack, authorities said.

The frustrated plumbers say that they kept trying to find an attorney who could help them, but he always seemed to be in another castle.

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So we were watching this Alaska Nanooks’ super-bitchin’ video intro for the 2010 hockey season, which you might have seen, as it’s making the rounds...

and something occurred to us...

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Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

LUNGBY, Denmark (UPI) -- Rats fed a diet rich in apples showed an increase of bacteria that could improve intestinal health, Danish researchers said.

The researchers added that the findings could lead to the announcement of a new pill, the so-called "Apple Tablet", as early as next Tuesday.

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"A small amount of cocaine was found in a restricted area of the processing hangar for the shuttle Discovery, NASA said in a statement... the cocaine was found this week in a small bag on the floor near a bathroom in the restricted area." - CNN.com, "NASA finds cocaine in shuttle hangar", 1/15/2010

1. Suspicious number of recent Space Shuttle flights to Bolivia.
2. Mission Control keeps going to the toilet as a group.
3. Where do you think the nickname "Buzz" came from?
4. Space station radio transcripts include two straight hours of chatter about how beautiful everybody is, followed by three hours about how the Space Shuttle could totally kick Jupiter's ass.
5. Mars Rover solar panel covered with white smears and razor marks.
6. Planned lunar lander to be named after Fleetwood Mac's dealer.
7. CIA now much more involved in funding of NASA missions.
8. Last launch countdown: "10... 9... 8.. 7.. 6. 5. 4 3 21BLASTOFFOHMYGODTHATLOOKSSOAMAZING"
9. Astronauts keep ducking into the Space Station "real quick," staying for 3 days.
10. Constant giggling while bouncing around the "moon landing" movie set.
11. We should have known those tiny spoons weren't for freeze-dried ice cream.
12. You ever see how clean the inside of that Space Station is?
13. Crew members radioed Mission Control about being "40,000 miles high" before shuttle had actually launched.
14. Why else would you drive straight through from Texas to Florida wearing diapers?
15. C'mon. They're shooting MONKEYS INTO SPACE.

How about you? You notice anything a little... weird about NASA lately?

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