Woot : One Day, One Deal (SM)

Demon In A Workstation Bag

Tark Industries, office of Sonny Tark, how can I oh, hi, Sonny. Wait, you did what? You need me to WHAT?

“Yes, hi, english? Do you speak… oh, thank God, you don’t know how hard it is to find someone at the Yugoslavian airport who speaks… no, sorry, I understand you’re busy, but I need some help here. My name is Spice, Spice Jarrs, and I work for Tark Industries. Yes, that’s right, the weapons manufacturer. I’m calling because… yes, that’s it exactly, our CEO is somewhere in your airport looking for his bag. Well, bags, really, because Mr. Tark never does anything without at least two different backup plans. Did I just hear an explosion? Wait, wait, don’t transfer me, please don’t transfer-”

“Hi, english? Oh, bless you. I’m with Tark Industries, I was saying, and my CEO needs his bag. Yes, I know you’re being attacked by a guy with laser whips and a woman made out of lava and parakeets but just trust me, it’s very very important our CEO get one of his bags. It doesn’t matter which, they’re all designed to be checkpoint friendly, so they’ll be very easy to… yes, thank you, please write it all down. They’re all going to be Ohmetric 3-in-1 Workstation Bags.

The first one is a shoulder case. It’s going to have straps, and a hidden security pocket and it can stand upright. No, no, don’t look inside, it’s very personal what’s in there, just bring it to him when you find it. There’s a padded lining and a hardshell exterior, so it will be fine. There’s a back pocket too, and it could hold… well, I guess a fifteen inch laptop. Goodness, what’s the yelling all about? A gorilla with a flaming sword and a giant mosquito woman? Well, can you maybe hide under the desk and keep working? I really need to get my boss at least one of his bags as quickly as possible.

Okay, the next option is a backpack. You’ll also be seeing a lot of pockets on this one, and you’ll be able to fold out a lapdesk for work. Yes, it’s about four pounds when empty, but right now it’ll feel a bit heavier. And when you pick it up, it’ll make some clanking noises, like metal rubbing together. No, no, again, do not open it for any reason, just get it right to Mr. Tark. He’ll take it from there. Wait, wait! I don’t care if the lava and parakeet woman is smashing your cubicle, do not transfer me! Do not! Don’t you dare, don’t you…! Ugh.

Hello? English? Wonderful. I’m looking for my boss’… oh, you’ve got all the details I gave the last gentleman? Fantastic! Listen, there’s one more case, the last one is a standard workstation briefcase, designed to be carried one handed or over the shoulder. It’s just like the others, easy access to papers and a hardshell… oh! Oh! You’ve got it? You’ve got it right there? Oh, Mr. Tark will be so pleased! Oh, sir, you’ve got to find him, you’ve got to get it to him right away! No, no, if you get fired we will hire you at… in fact, what are you making now? Is that monthly? Annually? Really? I’ll hire you right now as Mr. Tark’s personal assistant. Yes, yes, full benefits too. And 401K. Look, can we talk about this later, I’ve got to get that case to… yes, you’ll have a variety of plans for you and your spouse, and you can review them at your leisure. And retirement options as well. Oh, honestly, that’s an HR question, just get him his stupid Ohmetric 3 in 1 Workstation Bag!

Well, of course he’ll be easy to find, sir, just head to the Admiral’s Club and look near the bar. And please tell him to contact Ms. Jarrs as soon as he’s able. Thanks so much, really. Oh, don’t burn yourself on the parakeets.

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Aw man, this remote controls everything!

Which makes this second one redundant, I guess.

Yeah I’ve been really looking for a way to keep myself completely inundated with sports news lately, so I snagged this ESPN 4-Device Universal Remote 2 Pack. It’s been exactly what I needed to avoid all the strain of day-to-day living. I don’t pay bills, I don’t open my mail, I just plop down on the couch, open another can of nacho cheez dip, and get to watching.

I mean, it’s not just sports, either. I can control my DVR, DVD player, TV, basically any four devices I have running. And with these three ESPN channel buttons I never have to glance at a TV Guide again to find my sports fix. So, really, this other one is just kind of taking up space.

No, you can’t have it. Because I paid for it. I think it’ll just be my failsafe or something, in case the two AAA batteries, which were not included, wear out.

I can’t tell you how excited I am to catch all the NHL, Soccer, and MMA highlights. Not to mention all the women’s sports! WNBA, Women’s College Basketball, Field Hockey, Volleyball, I’m sure one of these buttons is for the ESPN channel dedicated to all that stuff!

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It Was Either This Or One Of Those Roses They Sell At The Gas Station

My beloved lady-love: I have lovingly created for you a gift made of pure love, to symbolize my love for you. (Note: gift actually includes some non-love ingredients, too.)

First, eternal love of mine, I reached deep into the love-garden in my heart and plucked forth not just a rose, but a rose bush. A 12” tall rose bush, watered and nourished on my everlasting devotion to you. Now that it’s out, you should probably give it actual water and plant food. But do it with love, my love, or else my heart shall die.

Then I scooped up the love-clay of my heart and crafted a 4.5” tall, 4.5” diameter ceramic pot, as a loving home for the aforementioned rose bush. I worked this planter on the potters’ wheel of undying passion that spins evermore in my, you guessed it, heart. Your presence was with me all along, the phantom fingers of your love entwining with my own normal fingers, united in the love of loving and being loved. It was at least four times hotter than that scene in Ghost.

You’ll notice I made the pot white, which is tied for the third-most loving color (behind red and pink, tied with purple). Had I made it red or pink, it would have imploded from sheer love pressure. Passions such as ours are dangerous, loverlady of my love heart.

Finally, to complete this token of my limitless love for you, I threw in some chocolates, because what the hell, why not? Also, they symbolize the sweetness I found behind the foil wrapper around your loving heart, or something. You see what I’m getting at, my love, for our love is stronger than any contrived metaphor.

Thus, dearest love of my passion, did I craft for you this loving gift, dripping with pure unbridled adoration. It is the only one of its kind in existence, just as our love is singular, unmatched, unique.

Just don’t look at the credit card statement next month, OK, lover?

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The Average Internet User

The Who? Really? Because all I see up there are two old guys with a backup band.

I mean, I understand wanting to keep rocking until you drop, you know, but let’s not call a six inch sub a footlong. Maybe I’d forgive The Roger Daltrey Experience Featuring Pete Townsend or Towny And Daltrey or even The Whom. And that last one, you could make some money with a band like that. But don’t keep on ruining a great legacy, guys. You’re so not what you used to be.

And, I’ll tell you right now, there’s no way I’m going to watch The Who when it’s just half of the band. For that whole halftime, I’ll be using my Sandisk Sansa Clip Black 8GB MP3 Player to listen to something else. Maybe I’ll pop in a short audiobook, or Audible file. Maybe I’ll listen to a few MP3s or WMAs. Maybe I’ll switch over to the FM Radio and see what Garrison Keillor has to say about the game, or maybe I’ll use the built-in microphone to record a few thoughts of my own about how the game’s been going.

But, really, The Who? No way am I listening to that. As far as I’m concerned, the second they lost John Bonham and Noel Redding, they lost all credibility with me.

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What is this “compensation” you speak of?

What the heck? There are bloggers that get free stuff for writeups? Somebody’s been holding out on me.

I mean, here I am, day after day, churning out writeup after writeup by the truck load for NOTHING and all this time I could’ve been asking for expensive laptops and other perks for favorable ones? DUDE. And I thought people did this kind of job because they LIKED it. Boy, what a fool I’ve been.

To think, I could be sitting here with a stack of cool stuff brought to me in tribute by the product sellers. “For you, O Great Olympian Stallion of Copywriting Sass And Wit! We bring to you this day fifteen iPads wrapped in bacon on a platter full of our finest meats and cheeses brought to you by one hundred Roombas in exchange for your favor towards our humble iHome 8 Button Wireless Laser Mouse Pro with two programmable buttons and 1600 dpi. If our treasures please you, O Mighty And Wise Master Of Words, do speak of our 2.4 GHz frequency wireless mouse with simple plug-n-play mini-USB reciever and five quick launch media buttons in a kind and wonderous light. Many more wonders will we deliver to your door for your services in highlighting our Windows compatible mice, capable of horizontal and vertical scrolling and available in either Red or Blue, Scribe Of Light And Joy!”

But noooOOOooo. No free stuff for the Woot guys. Just sell, sell, sell like a good little Screaming Monkey. And I’m not even going to begin to go into what I had to do just to get one of those little guys. The short version involves a lot of begging and tears, though.

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Into the Woods

Personally, I’m tired of condescending Luddites.

“Look at you, with your fancy GPS-a-ma-bob!” you cackle. “Whatever happened to a good old-fashioned map, eh?”

I’ll tell you what happened to it, gramps. It disintegrated in the Spring thaw, still clutched in the dessicated hand of the hiker who died of exposure in December trying to figure out which way to turn it.

When it comes to outdoor gear, this brand of technophobia comes almost exclusively from comfortable indoor-enthusiast types who haven’t slept outside in decades, if ever. (We’re talking about overnights here. Accidentally dozing off in a lawn chair doesn’t count.)

Look, I’m all for the old-fashioned ways. I take a map with me almost every time I step off the paved parts of this world. What’s more, I know how to read it. I’ve usually even gone over it ahead of time. Good for me. Good for cartography. Good for printing on wood pulp.

But that doesn’t mean I have to look down my nose with disdain at new tools that come along. Particularly if they’re as sweet as Bushnell’s ONIX 350 GPS. It uses georeferenced satellite images, meaning that when I download a satellite photo to it, that photo is instantly georeferenced to the sat network for navigation. It adjusts for my heading and location and gives me an accurate picture of the terrain. It’s got a Wide Area Augmentation Systems (WAAS) enabled receiver, giving me accuracy up to just three meters 95% of the time. Plus it’s encased in rugged rubber armor like the latex-bondage-era Batman.

That thing might save my life someday. And I’ve got to take guff about it from some geezer who doesn’t trust newfangled gadgets because he can’t figure out how to retrieve his voicemail?

In fact, my Bushnell ONIX 350 could very well be the device that allowed us to have this friendly argument over a nice hot dinner at home. Let’s say you’d accompanied me on my Sunday hike this weekend. Let’s say we’d suffered some misfortune. Let’s say we hadn’t brought my ONIX along.

Why, right about now, instead of trying to convince me how useless technology is and how helpless it makes people who rely on it, you’d be trying to convince me the taboo against eating human flesh applies even in desperate, survival-stakes situations.

Mmm, survival steaks.

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Not Recommended For Professional Celebrity Photographers

You were at the mall / I p-picked you out / Got three flash modes, it’s true / Need that picture of you / It’s so magical, in ten megapixels

Apron and polo shirt
So glamorous
You looked so fine
At Orange Julius, what time you get off?
Before you tell me to get lost
You should know that, baby, I

See, I bought this cam, I’ll give it to you if you love me
Pola, Polaroid, see?
Baby, it’s a name you know, though it ain’t what it used to be
Pola, Polaroid, see?
Don’t wanna be my valentine?
Maybe this camera will change your mind
Baby, you can navigate your photos on the touchscreen
Pola, Polaroid, see?

I’ll be that guy
Hanging around the food court
Over by Auntie Anne’s
And the jellybean stand, that’s my home from home
That table by the bathrooms

This camera is red
But your eyes won’t be
Shoots video with audio
30 different scene modes, don’t worry about the price
I got it from some cheapo web site
I’m unemployed but, baby, I

See, I bought this cam, I’ll give it to you if you love me
Pola, Polaroid, see?
Baby, it’s a name you know, though it ain’t what it used to be
Pola, Polaroid, see?
Don’t wanna be my valentine?
Maybe this camera will change your mind
Baby, you can navigate your photos on the touchscreen
Pola, Polaroid, see?

Real good, did I mention ten megapixels?
Snap snap, we’re 3x zooming optical
Not bad for free, huh?
It’s plastic but it can still be fun

See, I bought this cam, I’ll give it to you if you love me
Pola, Polaroid, see?
Baby, it’s a name you know, though it ain’t what it used to be
Pola, Polaroid, see?
Don’t wanna be my valentine?
Maybe this camera will change your mind
Baby, there’s no reason to call mall security
Pola, Polaroid, see?

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Come on in, guys! You’re just in time!

The big game is about to start!

No. Why would I say “Who dat?” That’s not even English. No, I said, “Who is that?” I’ve never heard of him. Is he in the Sporting category? I don’t follow the Sporting Breeds much. I’m more a Toy and Working Breed kinda guy.

Are you kidding? No, man. I just ordered this refurbished Philips 42” 1080p HDTV; there’s no way it would’ve gotten here in time for the big game! Look, it’s on now!

Oh man, there he is: Try Try Again. There isn’t a Bernese Mountain Dog alive that can take him down. Look at that coat! So black and luxurious. I’m telling you, this Widescreen aspect ratio and 29000:1 dynamic screen contrast makes it feel like you’re there!

Earlier I hooked up my USB drive and watched the stills from last year’s show as a slideshow. Then, while I was making these delicious finger sandwiches you’ve yet to compliment me on, I was listening to some mp3s of past shows’ color commentary.

Not a February goes by that I don’t get Westminster Kennel Club fever!

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Don’t Hate The Player

Okay, got the wine, got the lasagna, and I even got the lines all figured out. Tonight’s gonna be my night to shine! Oo, the doorbell! Showtime at last!

Hey there, you sexy momma! Wow, you’re looking hot! Girl, I was gonna invite you in, but now that I’ve seen you in that dress, I’m scared you’d be a fire hazard! Hey, you just stay right there for a second, okay? I gotta get something out of this closet. No, no, don’t come in just yet, I’m not ready, just keep standing on the porch for one minute more, until I find my Dexas High Heat Protection Mitts and Trivets Set.

I hope it’s okay that it doesn’t quite match your dress. The color was random, so I didn’t really get to accessori- ah, here it is. Now where were we.? Oh, right. Damn, baby, you really got it goin’ on tonight! I’ll say it again, you are looking out-of-this-world hot! No, no, now baby, don’t step just anywhere. I paid a lot for that orange shag carpet, I don’t want it melting or anything. See, because you’re so hot! Here, I’ve put down these two trivets, try and walk on them. They’re designed to grip pot handles but also protect countertops from heat, like from a dish. And girl, tonight you’re some dish, let me tell you. Hot! Hot!

Sit down? Well, sure! Here, let me put on my mitts. These silicone mitts handle heat up to 500 degrees, to protect hands from the oven, or grills, or stovetops. I’ll just pick you up and… ooof. Guess it’s true what they say, “heat expands”, right, baby? Because you are so hot! I also think my back is starting to give out so I’m gonna put you back on the trivet for now.

Wait, you’re leaving? But… we haven’t even had dinner yet! Oh, you just came to say you weren’t feeling well? But you dressed up, you look so hot… oh, okay. Well, sorry, I guess, I didn’t know your father was killed by an extended metaphor. Maybe some other time? Oh. Okay… well, I guess I’ll just… have leftover lasagna all week, then. At least my Dexas High Heat Protection Mitts and Trivets Set makes it easy for me to get it out of the ove- oh, you’re already gone.

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No Frog Left Behind

All right, that’s it. I told you what would happen if I found another encyclopedia hidden under your mattress. No more Didj for a week.

Don’t bother begging. Maybe after a week without solving any addition, subtraction, multiplication and division problems with the included Jet Pack Heroes game, you’ll knuckle down and get serious about your responsibilities around here. Have you even looked at all those Ultimate Fighting bouts on the TiVo? Or even one episode of Hurl? No, I didn’t think so.

You better not even think about creating any custom spelling lists or playing any of the rest of the extensive line of Didj learning games (sold separately). Don’t even touch the styling skins or the jelly case. If your father and I find you using your Didj to sharpen your math, spelling, and language skills and totally ignoring the TV, well, little mister, don’t think we won’t wash your mouth out with the DVD box set of season 2 of VH1’s I Love Money. That’ll be a lesson you won’t forget.

Now, you know, your father and I approve of things like unlocking exclusive downloads and earning badges for in-game achievements. But not if it means you’re going to learn something. So while you’re taking this little vacation from your Didj, you better find some other video games to play instead of wasting time reading books or something. You’ll thank us when you get older.

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