Woot : One Day, One Deal (SM)

Don’t Hate The Player

Okay, got the wine, got the lasagna, and I even got the lines all figured out. Tonight’s gonna be my night to shine! Oo, the doorbell! Showtime at last!

Hey there, you sexy momma! Wow, you’re looking hot! Girl, I was gonna invite you in, but now that I’ve seen you in that dress, I’m scared you’d be a fire hazard! Hey, you just stay right there for a second, okay? I gotta get something out of this closet. No, no, don’t come in just yet, I’m not ready, just keep standing on the porch for one minute more, until I find my Dexas High Heat Protection Mitts and Trivets Set.

I hope it’s okay that it doesn’t quite match your dress. The color was random, so I didn’t really get to accessori- ah, here it is. Now where were we.? Oh, right. Damn, baby, you really got it goin’ on tonight! I’ll say it again, you are looking out-of-this-world hot! No, no, now baby, don’t step just anywhere. I paid a lot for that orange shag carpet, I don’t want it melting or anything. See, because you’re so hot! Here, I’ve put down these two trivets, try and walk on them. They’re designed to grip pot handles but also protect countertops from heat, like from a dish. And girl, tonight you’re some dish, let me tell you. Hot! Hot!

Sit down? Well, sure! Here, let me put on my mitts. These silicone mitts handle heat up to 500 degrees, to protect hands from the oven, or grills, or stovetops. I’ll just pick you up and… ooof. Guess it’s true what they say, “heat expands”, right, baby? Because you are so hot! I also think my back is starting to give out so I’m gonna put you back on the trivet for now.

Wait, you’re leaving? But… we haven’t even had dinner yet! Oh, you just came to say you weren’t feeling well? But you dressed up, you look so hot… oh, okay. Well, sorry, I guess, I didn’t know your father was killed by an extended metaphor. Maybe some other time? Oh. Okay… well, I guess I’ll just… have leftover lasagna all week, then. At least my Dexas High Heat Protection Mitts and Trivets Set makes it easy for me to get it out of the ove- oh, you’re already gone.

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Are you sick of sitting around in your studio apartment alone, drunk, and wishing you had someone to play Rock Paper Scissors with? Well then you should consider returning my calls need to buy this t-shirt!

Some Swedish weirdo named Marc Stromberg has created an "Augmented Reality" shirt which allows you, the wearer, to visit a specific website, turn on your webcam, and have a creepy disembodied hand appear out of your chest. Kind of like The Ring, but this time you get to play Rock Paper Scissors.

You might think this is kind of pointless, but this means we're that much closer to a Magic Mirror On The Wall scenario in which you have your own smiling, supportive affirmation right inside your t-shirt!

Or scathing, mocking bully. Your choice.

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First of all, we'll warn you. Creeper World isn't a game. It's a simulation, designed to train you Last Starfighter style to fight against a strange alien ooze that is taking over a poor helpless planet. You've got to make a network of relays, collectors and weapons to make a stand long enough to activate the teleporter so that your octagonal city can escape.

Despite your pushy text-based drill sergeant, all you're really going to learn is that the people of Creeper World are big babies. Once you get a blaster next to the ooze portal, you can pretty much shut it down for good. What's wrong, Creepians? Scared of a little elbow grease? A laser and a security guard and your planet is fine!

Even still, Creeper World is pretty darn fun. And when you get the lasers set up correctly, the game can keep the ooze locked down for hours, meaning you can hide the window when your boss walks in the room and come back to finish the battle later. So get playing right now! The poor people of Creeper World need YOU!

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On February 1st, back in 2003, conga player Mongo Santamaria passed on. Like all jazz drummers, some people have never even heard of him. But those who knew his name remember him fondly.

After the jump, we've complied a little bit more, primarily as a tribute to the man himself. But we also hope you'll find this a way to clear out those Monday morning blues. Get out those headphones and enjoy!

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No Frog Left Behind

All right, that’s it. I told you what would happen if I found another encyclopedia hidden under your mattress. No more Didj for a week.

Don’t bother begging. Maybe after a week without solving any addition, subtraction, multiplication and division problems with the included Jet Pack Heroes game, you’ll knuckle down and get serious about your responsibilities around here. Have you even looked at all those Ultimate Fighting bouts on the TiVo? Or even one episode of Hurl? No, I didn’t think so.

You better not even think about creating any custom spelling lists or playing any of the rest of the extensive line of Didj learning games (sold separately). Don’t even touch the styling skins or the jelly case. If your father and I find you using your Didj to sharpen your math, spelling, and language skills and totally ignoring the TV, well, little mister, don’t think we won’t wash your mouth out with the DVD box set of season 2 of VH1’s I Love Money. That’ll be a lesson you won’t forget.

Now, you know, your father and I approve of things like unlocking exclusive downloads and earning badges for in-game achievements. But not if it means you’re going to learn something. So while you’re taking this little vacation from your Didj, you better find some other video games to play instead of wasting time reading books or something. You’ll thank us when you get older.

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You think you’re better than me?

Well 2GB isn’t THAT small!

I’m telling you: this Sandisk Fuze 2GB Media Player may be refurbished, and it may only have 2GB of memory, but it’s all I need. And I don’t appreciate you mocking me at every opportunity.

Yeah, I see your fancy iPod. It plays videos; so what? Mine does, too. Yours plays music, photos, and audio books too? Well SO DOES MINE!

But oh wait. Let’s see what’s on the DIGITAL FM RADIO! That’s right. FM Radio. Not through some stupid app that I have to pay even more for, either. It’s just right there. And your memory isn’t looking so superior with my capacity to upgrade with a microSD or microSDHC slot.

Yeah. Try cramming a microSD into your Nano, there. Can’t do it, can ya? That’s what I thought. All of a sudden the ol’ Fuze ain’t lookin’ so bad, is it?

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She Makes My Heart Race

Or maybe that’s just the espresso.

So you remember last week when I was telling you about that cute girl I met at the coffee shop and she was drinking one of those fancy coffee drinks that I never drink ‘cause I didn’t think I liked them but I really wanted to impress her the next time I saw her so I went out and bought a Kalorik 15 Bar Pump Espresso Maker so that I could make some for myself and get used to the taste WELL GUESS WHAT I TOTALLY LOVE THOSE DRINKS NOW ‘cause I’ve been drinking a ton of espresso and I really kind of like the way they make my mind just ZOOM ZOOM ZOOM and I think I need to inhale now hold on.

Where was I oh yeah the espresso maker I love this thing and its 15 bar pressure pump and removable drip tray and the milk frothing device that makes the milk go FROOSHY FROOSH FROOSH FROOSH and all the filters are totally dishwasher safe and look at how cute it is sitting over there with its chrome and glass design just like that cute girl from the coffee shop only she wasn’t chrome or glass BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN HA HA and geez I’m rude I never offered you a cup why don’t I make some and while I’m at it I can show you this new trick I learned where I vibrate through solid matter it’s so awesome!

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Sometimes in life, we're faced with events so horrific, so tragic, and so overpowering that it can feel impossible to know how to begin recovering. Yesterday, Miramax Studios announced they will be shutting down their Los Angeles and New York offices.

Which means Harvey and Bob Weinstein are out on the street.

Before you gnash your teeth and curse the heavens, we know: it's not right that the brothers who brought us gems like Scary Movie 3, Bride & Prejudice, Jersey Girl, and Kate & Leopold should get a raw deal like this.

Now these guys are strong-willed, and believe us, they will bounce back. But they're going to need our help.

We've set up a relief fund, Woot4Weinsteins. You can help by texting "I would really like to ensure Bob and Harvey Weinstein are able to continue their extravagant lifestyle!" to 99099. Each text you send will authorize a small $10,000 donation to be added to your phone bill for the relief effort.

Please contribute any amount you can, as long as it's at least enough for an all-night cocaine binge at Mood.

We can't always prevent tragedies from happening. But we can make a difference.

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We're all used to some tough-talking political ads these days. But Dr. Dwight McKenna, candidate for coroner in Orleans Parish, Louisiana, tops 'em all with this ghoulish salvo against incumbent Frank Minyard:

Yes, it's real, and yes, it's running on TV. Scare tactics are nothing new in campaign ads, but this is the first I've seen that could actually qualify as a horror film.

As seen on Talking Points Memo.

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In case you're flying on a commercial airliner anytime soon, Popular Mechanics was kind enough to put out a handy guide to make you terrified of ever setting foot on a plane again: How to Survive a 35,000-Foot Fall.

Among the highlights? 

• Aim for a swamp, but not water
• Try to cling to or cocoon yourself in as much plane debris as possible.
• Haystacks are your friend
• You really have to practice some "mind over matter" and convince yourself you're going to live
• You're probably not going to live anyway

Me? I'm counting on the resulting coronary killing me long before I hit the ground.

So what's your strategy for surviving a fall out of the window on your next flight?

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