Woot : One Day, One Deal (SM)

She Makes My Heart Race

Or maybe that’s just the espresso.

So you remember last week when I was telling you about that cute girl I met at the coffee shop and she was drinking one of those fancy coffee drinks that I never drink ‘cause I didn’t think I liked them but I really wanted to impress her the next time I saw her so I went out and bought a Kalorik 15 Bar Pump Espresso Maker so that I could make some for myself and get used to the taste WELL GUESS WHAT I TOTALLY LOVE THOSE DRINKS NOW ‘cause I’ve been drinking a ton of espresso and I really kind of like the way they make my mind just ZOOM ZOOM ZOOM and I think I need to inhale now hold on.

Where was I oh yeah the espresso maker I love this thing and its 15 bar pressure pump and removable drip tray and the milk frothing device that makes the milk go FROOSHY FROOSH FROOSH FROOSH and all the filters are totally dishwasher safe and look at how cute it is sitting over there with its chrome and glass design just like that cute girl from the coffee shop only she wasn’t chrome or glass BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN HA HA and geez I’m rude I never offered you a cup why don’t I make some and while I’m at it I can show you this new trick I learned where I vibrate through solid matter it’s so awesome!

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Who Wants Flowers When You’re Dead?

If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you’ll probably want to know is how I feel about a dead writer they make you read in high school and all that kind of crap, but I don’t really feel like going into it if you want to know the truth.

What I know, and really, who cares about any of this crap, is that there’s some guy they mentioned on one of my mom’s old Beastie Boys records because he rhymed with “challenger”, and they probably didn’t ever read him either or somebody made them read him, and then that guy they mentioned went and bit it yesterday. I keep hearing teachers say I should like him but I just felt sorry as hell when I found out all his books are published by a major publisher. How many blogs could have been set up with all that cash and drama? And then he sued some guy for writing a parody? That made me think he was really too corporate for me. I don’t go in for all that corporate crap too much. That’s why I bought an V-Touch 16GB Portable Media Player.

It’s sort of a joke on everybody else I know. They see this thing that looks like an iPod and they get all excited and I can show them that it’s just a cheaper lookalike, and that instead of listening to MP3s or WAVs or WMAs or AACs, I’m using the built-in FM radio to listen to NPR, and then they get mad like it’s some big issue or something. I think it’s because they don’t like someone who shows them how phony they are. This whole world’s gone phony, you see, and I feel sorry as hell for anyone that can’t recognize it. I’m gonna start my podcast about it using the V-Touch 16GB Portable Media Player’s built-in Voice Recorder soon. It won’t have many listeners, probably, but I don’t care about listeners. I just want to do it, get the word out, maybe help people start thinking about crap like that. People just don’t think at all, and that makes me sorry as hell, and I guess I want to try and help them do it more.

Anyway, last night, I was taking pictures of the carousel in the park with my V-Touch 16GB Portable Media Player’s 2.0 MP camera. I do that in the later evenings, you know, the sunlight then makes everything seem more real to me somehow. I was in the park, and I saw my English teacher talking to some guy on a bench. He was patting his hand real seriously, like they were dating or something, and he was saying that before he was famous, the guy dated Eugene O’Neill’s daughter and she dumped him for Charlie Chaplin. I guess that just made me sorry as hell for how it must have felt to be young and have nobody listen, and I guess that made me think differently about all this dead guy crap or whatever.

I mean, it’s not like he and me ever would have been friends or anything, and he was probably a total phony like everybody famous except for Conan O’Brien, but everybody knows how bad it feels to have something you thought you wanted blow up in your face. Like, if the V-Touch 16GB Portable Media Player suddenly sold out, and everybody had one, I probably wouldn’t want it any more, and I’d feel bad I ever bought one. I’d probably throw it into the ocean or something, just smash that 2.8 inch touchscreen, just because. I guess maybe the only way to truly be non-commercial is to just never give anyone a chance to see your stuff. I guess maybe that’s why he was all alone up there in that big house with his words. He was just trying to be pure. Makes you sorry as hell to think about all that crap.

So rest in peace, JD. But don’t think I’m gonna miss you or anything. Once you start missing dead strangers, you start missing everybody.

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And Now, Ladies And Gentlemen

He was a king and a god in the world he knew, but now he comes to civilization merely a captive – a show to gratify your curiosity!

It wasn’t easy – just ask all the crewmen lost on Stuffed Monster Island – but Woot brought him back alive! Behold the biggest, screamingest monkey ever seen in these latitudes by civilized men! You see before you a titan, a colossus, reduced to a plaything and forced to wear a demeaning red aviator’s cap and a cape smeared with a silver Woot logo!

A full 28 inches long, with the rubber slingshot arms of his lesser cousins, but with an ape-sized scream guaranteed to empty any room, annoy any co-workers, and awe any Stone Age tribe into meek, worshipful submission – truly the Eighth Wonder of the World! Or at least one of the top, let’s say, Fifteen Wonders of the World! And we bring him to you in gratitude for enduring the marathon test of endurance and credit balance that terrified natives throughout the South Seas call “the Woot-Off”!

Oh no, it wasn’t the airplanes. It was hitting F5 killed the beast!

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An 8GB Sansa e280 Media Player draws near!

Command?

WOOTKnight attacks! The 8GB Sansa e280 Media Player’s Hit Points have been reduced by 12.

The Sansa uses 1.8” TFT color screen! Thou art blinded by Easy Viewing magic.

WOOTKnight uses In-For-3! Attack Power raised by 3.

The Sansa uses Rechargeable Lithium Ion Battery! Battery power restored to 20 hours!

Thou can see again. WOOTKnight attacks with Screaming Monkey! The Sanza’s Hit Points have been reduced by 34.

The Sansa uses Strong Alloy Metal Casing! The Sansa is now protected with excellent durability and scratch resistance.

WOOTKnight attacks with B. O. C.! Critical Hit! The Sansa’s Hit Points have been reduced by 128.

The Sansa casts File Versatility! The Sanza can now use audio formats including MP3, WMA, and WAV, as well as video formats such as AVI, ASF, MOV, MPEG-1/MPEG-2, and more.

WOOTKnight attacks! And misses.

The Sansa uses Digital FM Tuner and Voice Recording! Thy hit points have been reduced by 36.

WOOTKnight attacks! And misses.

The Sansa uses 8GB Capacity with MicroSD card slot! Critical Hit! Thy hit points have been reduced by 77.

WOOTKnight casts WOOT-OFF! Critical Hit! The Sansa’s hit pints have been reduced by 196.

Thou hast done well in defeating the 8GB Sansa e280 Media Player. Thy EXPERIENCE increases by 55. Thy GOLD decreases with purchase and shipping.

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Kneel Before Lycosa!

But the slavering man-beasts didn’t sink their glistening fangs into Roeder’s flesh. Grabbing him roughly under each arm, they seemed to be taking him somewhere.

“Wh-where are you t-t-taking me?” Roeder stammered. They only snarled in reply. Roeder felt that if they weren’t under orders to capture him, the werewolves would’ve been thrilled to devour him. Roeder watched the shopping mall parking lot pass him by as they pulled him into a patch of overgrown ditchweed taller than Roeder himself. Before he knew it, he’d been pushed down some kind of hole hidden among the weeds. He bumped roughly onto a stone floor a moment later, tasting blood from a lower lip he’d bitten on the way down.

It was dark. Then, it wasn’t. Roeder realized that everything was cast in a very faint but unmistakeable blue glow. He looked around for a moment – then the back of his skull exploded in pain. He never felt the two werewolves dragging his unconscious body by the arms along the cave floor, their mouths watering with repressed bloodlust.

“Prisoner! Prisoner! Wake up! Stand in Her Majesty’s presence! Bow before Lycosa – Queen of the Werewolves!”

One of the werewolves slapped Roeder across the face while the other lifted Roeder on to his feet and gave him a shove. Groggy, off-balance, Roeder half-expected to open his eyes and see the shopping mall. But the blue glow blinded him back to reality. So intense now it filled the chamber, Roeder could hardly stand to focus on its source. And when he did, he choked with horror.

There must have been fifty nubs on the thing’s black, monstrous body, each glowing with an inscrutable symbol from the creature’s eldritch rune-tome. Roeder retched cold bile. “Speak, maggot! How will you serve Lycosa?”

“Serve? What? I don’t understand-”

“Shall I stomp your body into slop for my skele-hogs? Answer me, maggot!”

“I’ll do whatever you want. I am at your service. Your highn- uh, majesty?”

“Highness is fine, too. I accept your pledge of fealty and grant you the luxury of serving me!”

Roeder sighed. He had some time to figure out how to escape. “Awesome.”

“You shall be my man-bride, available to pleasure me at my will, until my whims dictate that I rend your flesh into bite-sized wads and use your pulpy remains to fertilize my homegrown. Is THAT clear?”

“OK, but you’re going to have to explain how to pleasure you. I’ve never gotten busy with a keyboard before.”

“It’s simple. Just play me.”

“Play you? You mean -”

“Yes. Use me to control your PC gaming. Pound my backlit keys. Exploit my Hyperesponse technology. Explore my TouchPanel easy access media keys. And I can handle up to 10 customizable software profiles, so use me in any PC game you want.”

“Any game I want?”

“Yeah, I keep an updated library of games on hand just for my man-brides. I’m on every major company’s promo list – the industry is like half werewolf. Without us, they’d never ship a single game.”

“Well, your majesty, and your highness, if I must serve, I must.”

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Pay no attention to the OS behind the curtain!

I am the great and powerful…er, uh, Vista OS.

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You Deserve This HD LCD Television

Especially after the January you’ve had.

This was going to be THE year, wasn’t it? The year you were finally going to get your life together and start fresh after the Great Bummer of 2009. You even made a list titled “Changes To Be Made” and everything, with things like “Start a fitness plan”, “Don’t get drunk and call Mom to apologize for the failure I’ve become”, “No more throwing myself on coffins and screaming ‘WHY?’ at funerals”, and “Stop sabotaging the computer just so I can seduce the Repair Guy into sleeping with me.” One by one, each of those little promises you made yourself were broken like a wine glass at a Jewish wedding, weren’t they? Funny how things work out. Or, you know, DON’T work out.

But now’s your chance to turn all that around, friend! There’s still one thing you wanted to do to make 2010 great! Look! There near the bottom of the list! Number 147 says, “Buy myself one of those fancy, yet refurbished, HD televisions.”

SCORE! Now instead of adding one more Red X of Regret, you can finally put a Checkmark of Success next to something! This refurbished Philips 32” LCD HDTV with 1366×768p resolution and Dolby Digital Output may be just the thing to get you back on track for the remaining 11 months of the year. Its Pixel Plus HD for better details, depth, and clarity won’t make up for all those other disasters, but it’s a step in the right direction.

Doesn’t that feel good? I’ve got a feeling somebody won’t be a crying drunken mess when they call their mother tonight!

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Forgive Us Our Trespasses

Okay, let’s get situated. Take five. Everbody in their places? Annnnd… action!

“Ay! It’s-a me! The freaking’ Pope-a! It’s-a niiiice, being-a the Pope-a all-a that time-a. You know-a what I got-a here? I got-a the mouse-a. See? It-a all cute-a and-a cuddly, it’s-a a Salmosa, and-a it-”

“Cut! Marty, really. Didn’t we get rid of this guy last time? Didn’t we talk about this? I don’t care that he’s a method actor deep in his role, I hate this guy. I hate him, Marty. So why’s he back?”

clickIt was a union thing, Jack. Focus on the Salmosa’s optical sensor. You know this thing is the fastest optical sensor in the world, so play that up. Maybe just try to work around him or something.

“Ay! I-a no like-a the ‘around’. The Pope-a ain’t-a no ‘around’. The Pope-a, he-a the ‘center’. He have-a the Pope-a-mobile and-a the Pope-a-cave and-a the Pope-a-sicle. It-a come in-a cherry and-a orange-a too.”

“You hearing this, Marty? Work around him? Marty, my whole concept for this was a Razer Salmosa 3G Optical Gaming Mouse fighting in World War II. It was going to be a heroic story of man against Nazi. A story of the struggle to overcome-”

clickThe Razer Salmosa 3G Optical Gaming Mouse isn’t just about games, Jack. It also works as a professional mouse as well.

“At’s-a right, and it’s-a Pope-a approved-a too.”

“Get out of my face, pal.”

“Oh! You-a no threaten the Pope-a again! The Pope-a strike-a you to Hell-a!”

“Any time you’re ready, buddy-boy.”

clickJack, now, come on, stay focused. Talk about the two buttons and the switch on the bottom that lets gamers change the dpi and polling rate without needing to install new drivers.

“You-a gonna get-a messed-a up, boy-a”

“Yeah, you talk a lot, Pope, but I don’t see you swingin’.”

clickJack, Jack, what are you doing, Jack, c’mon, don’t be stupid.

“You-a gonna learn-a a new dogma of-a pain.”

“Yeah? Well, I’m like the Razer Salmosa 3G Optical Gaming Mouse. I’ve got an Always-On mode.”

“OW! YOU-A BROKE-A THE POPE-A’S NOSE! THE POPE-A’S NOSE! SHE-A BROKEN INTO-A ITTY BITTY-A BITS-A!”

clickSmooth move, Jack.

“Marty, it wasn’t my fault. This guy just… I mean, that Pope thing! It’s just so offensive! I couldn’t help myself!”

“OW! THE POPE-A NO FORGIVE-A YOU! YOU-A GO-A STRAIGHT-A TO THE HOT-A PLACE! AND I DON’T-A MEAN HAWAII! OW! THE POPE-A GONNA SUE! SUE! OW!”

clickGreat, Jack. That’s gonna come out of the budget too. You better hope we sell a lot of these Razer Salmosa 3G Optical Gaming Mice today.

“Great. You know, this probably never would have happened if we’d gone with that guy pretending to be Greek Orthodox.”

clickDon’t make it worse on yourself, Jack.

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SMILE! YOU’RE ON CAMERA!

Swear to God, Maureen: I didn’t know that picture would make it onto the Internet.

When I saw you go into the changing room, I just thought it would be funny to barge in with my digital camera. I forgot all about my Eye-Fi Explore 2GB Wireless SD Card. It not only saves the images – it instantly posts them to my Flickr, Facebook, MobileMe, TypePad, Evernote, and other social-networking and photo-sharing accounts, all through the nearest Wi-Fi hotspot.

I guess I need to turn that feature off before I take any more pictures before the world sees more images as shocking as the ones I took of you that day. I’ll tell you, I was shocked to see what you were doing in there, but I certainly didn’t mean to publicly embarrass you like that. If it’s any consolation, I don’t think shoplifting is a felony.

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JPEGs of Future Passed

That’s weird. I don’t remember taking this photo of George Clooney being sworn in as president. I’m pretty sure that hasn’t even happened.

As I scroll through my vacation pictures on the 3” touchscreen LCD, I’m seeing a lot of weird stuff. I remember snapping this street scene in L.A., but I’m almost positive none of those people had tentacles. And look at this one. That looks like downtown Miami – but it’s underwater. This Polaroid 10MP Digital Camera doesn’t even work underwater. What’s going on?

I should’ve known something was amiss when that old Chinese guy lured me into that creepy little deal-a-day web site. I haven’t seen so many unidentifiable things floating in jars since Grandma moved to the rest home. What did he say when I asked if he had a camera with a really sharp 10MP image, image stabilization, and face tracking? Something about seeing past the wall of time into what was yet to come? And warning me about what the future may hold? I forget. I was too busy playing with the electronic self-timer and slide-show mode to listen very closely.

Ooh, there’s me! But wait – why am I wearing that orange jumpsuit? I look awful in orange. Really brings out my ear acne. And that looks like me in a courtroom, at the defendants’ table. Hey, what’s the big idea? I’m starting to get a little spooked. Ah, there’s something comforting: me and Melanie, locked in a passionate- hey. Wait a minute. That’s not me. That looks like Greg. That’s totally Greg. Greg? My supposed friend Greg? With Melanie? Doing… that? I’ll kill him! I’ll kill him today!

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