Woot : One Day, One Deal (SM)

Just in time to help you kill the few remaining minutes of the work week, we’ve collected most of our superhilarious videos in one convenient place: youtube.com/wootchannel.

Now, instead of having to scour our blog for old videos, you can easily click from the one about Las Vegas to the one about the guy who launched the screaming monkey rocket to the one about the Superman Inflato-Suit to the complete three-part Mortimer & Monte series. Think how much time you’ll waste!

If this brand of tawdry entertainment is your bag, you might be glad to know we’ve got more movies on the way. Whenever we get a break between our regular responsibilities, we pop into the editing room for some privacy while we grunt and strain and try our best to move the next video down the pipeline. Subscribe to our YouTube channel and you’ll be among the first to know when we finally squeeze one out!

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Into the Woods

Personally, I’m tired of condescending Luddites.

“Look at you, with your fancy GPS-a-ma-bob!” you cackle. “Whatever happened to a good old-fashioned map, eh?”

I’ll tell you what happened to it, gramps. It disintegrated in the Spring thaw, still clutched in the dessicated hand of the hiker who died of exposure in December trying to figure out which way to turn it.

When it comes to outdoor gear, this brand of technophobia comes almost exclusively from comfortable indoor-enthusiast types who haven’t slept outside in decades, if ever. (We’re talking about overnights here. Accidentally dozing off in a lawn chair doesn’t count.)

Look, I’m all for the old-fashioned ways. I take a map with me almost every time I step off the paved parts of this world. What’s more, I know how to read it. I’ve usually even gone over it ahead of time. Good for me. Good for cartography. Good for printing on wood pulp.

But that doesn’t mean I have to look down my nose with disdain at new tools that come along. Particularly if they’re as sweet as Bushnell’s ONIX 350 GPS. It uses georeferenced satellite images, meaning that when I download a satellite photo to it, that photo is instantly georeferenced to the sat network for navigation. It adjusts for my heading and location and gives me an accurate picture of the terrain. It’s got a Wide Area Augmentation Systems (WAAS) enabled receiver, giving me accuracy up to just three meters 95% of the time. Plus it’s encased in rugged rubber armor like the latex-bondage-era Batman.

That thing might save my life someday. And I’ve got to take guff about it from some geezer who doesn’t trust newfangled gadgets because he can’t figure out how to retrieve his voicemail?

In fact, my Bushnell ONIX 350 could very well be the device that allowed us to have this friendly argument over a nice hot dinner at home. Let’s say you’d accompanied me on my Sunday hike this weekend. Let’s say we’d suffered some misfortune. Let’s say we hadn’t brought my ONIX along.

Why, right about now, instead of trying to convince me how useless technology is and how helpless it makes people who rely on it, you’d be trying to convince me the taboo against eating human flesh applies even in desperate, survival-stakes situations.

Mmm, survival steaks.

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Everybody knows how to play Hangman - but there's not much challenge in killing a helpless prisoner, is there? At its heart, Semantic Wars offers similar word-guessing "action". But in this game, you solve the word puzzles so you can build more fighters, archers, and wizards, to defend your castle and take over the other guy's. Set the difficulty to Easy and you'll breeze through, but the Hard level is a real _as_ard.

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Japan's infatuation with Western pop culture and its celebrities is no secret. But the wonderfully insane level they take it to in their commercials is... well, just take a look at some of the videos we've found.

A lot of lives would've been spared across the galaxy if the Empire and the Rebels just sat down to a little canned "sea chicken". Just look at the way it brings fathers and sons together!

More after the jump!

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Not Recommended For Professional Celebrity Photographers

You were at the mall / I p-picked you out / Got three flash modes, it’s true / Need that picture of you / It’s so magical, in ten megapixels

Apron and polo shirt
So glamorous
You looked so fine
At Orange Julius, what time you get off?
Before you tell me to get lost
You should know that, baby, I

See, I bought this cam, I’ll give it to you if you love me
Pola, Polaroid, see?
Baby, it’s a name you know, though it ain’t what it used to be
Pola, Polaroid, see?
Don’t wanna be my valentine?
Maybe this camera will change your mind
Baby, you can navigate your photos on the touchscreen
Pola, Polaroid, see?

I’ll be that guy
Hanging around the food court
Over by Auntie Anne’s
And the jellybean stand, that’s my home from home
That table by the bathrooms

This camera is red
But your eyes won’t be
Shoots video with audio
30 different scene modes, don’t worry about the price
I got it from some cheapo web site
I’m unemployed but, baby, I

See, I bought this cam, I’ll give it to you if you love me
Pola, Polaroid, see?
Baby, it’s a name you know, though it ain’t what it used to be
Pola, Polaroid, see?
Don’t wanna be my valentine?
Maybe this camera will change your mind
Baby, you can navigate your photos on the touchscreen
Pola, Polaroid, see?

Real good, did I mention ten megapixels?
Snap snap, we’re 3x zooming optical
Not bad for free, huh?
It’s plastic but it can still be fun

See, I bought this cam, I’ll give it to you if you love me
Pola, Polaroid, see?
Baby, it’s a name you know, though it ain’t what it used to be
Pola, Polaroid, see?
Don’t wanna be my valentine?
Maybe this camera will change your mind
Baby, there’s no reason to call mall security
Pola, Polaroid, see?

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Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

GLENDALE, Calif. (UPI) -- Animal welfare authorities in Glendale, Calif., said they are trying to catch a free-range chicken frequently spotted wandering into traffic.

Authorities are urging the chicken to turn itself in, saying they just want to ask it a question.

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Come on in, guys! You’re just in time!

The big game is about to start!

No. Why would I say “Who dat?” That’s not even English. No, I said, “Who is that?” I’ve never heard of him. Is he in the Sporting category? I don’t follow the Sporting Breeds much. I’m more a Toy and Working Breed kinda guy.

Are you kidding? No, man. I just ordered this refurbished Philips 42” 1080p HDTV; there’s no way it would’ve gotten here in time for the big game! Look, it’s on now!

Oh man, there he is: Try Try Again. There isn’t a Bernese Mountain Dog alive that can take him down. Look at that coat! So black and luxurious. I’m telling you, this Widescreen aspect ratio and 29000:1 dynamic screen contrast makes it feel like you’re there!

Earlier I hooked up my USB drive and watched the stills from last year’s show as a slideshow. Then, while I was making these delicious finger sandwiches you’ve yet to compliment me on, I was listening to some mp3s of past shows’ color commentary.

Not a February goes by that I don’t get Westminster Kennel Club fever!

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So there's this new stuff called SiO2 Ultra-Thin Layering, which is a much smarter-sounding way of saying "Spray-on Liquid Glass." No, not liquid gas.

Liquid glass.

It's antibacterial, it bonds to surfaces using quantum force, it's environmentally harmless, non-toxic, flexible, breathable, and cleans using only water. Pretty soon it's going to be coating *everything* you buy.

Which is pretty awesome when you consider that medical equipment will be easier to sterilize, stone monuments won't weather as quickly, and grafiti will come off with a wetnap. In fact, this stuff is so highly flexible and breathable, you could spray plants with it and never have to worry about spraying pesticides. It even keeps termites out of wood!

You can spray it on clothes, too; they'll become instantly stain-resistant. According to the developer you can dump your clothes in wine and it will just wipe off.

The best part? It's *here*. You'll be able to get it in merry ol' England pretty soon for $8 a bottle. There is already some opposition mounting from companies who sell cleaning products thinking this is a terrible idea, so look for it to never set foot in America.

Still, it'd be pretty nifty to never have to worry about a bean burrito stain on my interviewin' suit again. What would be the first thing you'd coat with liquid glass?

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As long as there are people alive who have not yet found the genius of Ferry Halim, we will continue to link him from time to time. These simple flash games might be old, but they're still far far beyond what most of the Internet is doing with simple flash games. Today we're chilly, so we're playing Winterbells.

You're a rabbit in the snow, trying to jump on some bells. What? It happens all the time in nature! Work your way as high as you can go while enjoying the peaceful music and lovely graphics, and don't worry, if you miss a bell, the cute little bun bun won't die. He'll just land on the soft snow and look a little miffed that the game is over.

When you're done with the game, we highly recommend looking around the rest of Ferry Halim's list of games. There's really nothing else like them online.

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Don’t Hate The Player

Okay, got the wine, got the lasagna, and I even got the lines all figured out. Tonight’s gonna be my night to shine! Oo, the doorbell! Showtime at last!

Hey there, you sexy momma! Wow, you’re looking hot! Girl, I was gonna invite you in, but now that I’ve seen you in that dress, I’m scared you’d be a fire hazard! Hey, you just stay right there for a second, okay? I gotta get something out of this closet. No, no, don’t come in just yet, I’m not ready, just keep standing on the porch for one minute more, until I find my Dexas High Heat Protection Mitts and Trivets Set.

I hope it’s okay that it doesn’t quite match your dress. The color was random, so I didn’t really get to accessori- ah, here it is. Now where were we.? Oh, right. Damn, baby, you really got it goin’ on tonight! I’ll say it again, you are looking out-of-this-world hot! No, no, now baby, don’t step just anywhere. I paid a lot for that orange shag carpet, I don’t want it melting or anything. See, because you’re so hot! Here, I’ve put down these two trivets, try and walk on them. They’re designed to grip pot handles but also protect countertops from heat, like from a dish. And girl, tonight you’re some dish, let me tell you. Hot! Hot!

Sit down? Well, sure! Here, let me put on my mitts. These silicone mitts handle heat up to 500 degrees, to protect hands from the oven, or grills, or stovetops. I’ll just pick you up and… ooof. Guess it’s true what they say, “heat expands”, right, baby? Because you are so hot! I also think my back is starting to give out so I’m gonna put you back on the trivet for now.

Wait, you’re leaving? But… we haven’t even had dinner yet! Oh, you just came to say you weren’t feeling well? But you dressed up, you look so hot… oh, okay. Well, sorry, I guess, I didn’t know your father was killed by an extended metaphor. Maybe some other time? Oh. Okay… well, I guess I’ll just… have leftover lasagna all week, then. At least my Dexas High Heat Protection Mitts and Trivets Set makes it easy for me to get it out of the ove- oh, you’re already gone.

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