Woot : One Day, One Deal (SM)

Demon In A Workstation Bag

Tark Industries, office of Sonny Tark, how can I oh, hi, Sonny. Wait, you did what? You need me to WHAT?

“Yes, hi, english? Do you speak… oh, thank God, you don’t know how hard it is to find someone at the Yugoslavian airport who speaks… no, sorry, I understand you’re busy, but I need some help here. My name is Spice, Spice Jarrs, and I work for Tark Industries. Yes, that’s right, the weapons manufacturer. I’m calling because… yes, that’s it exactly, our CEO is somewhere in your airport looking for his bag. Well, bags, really, because Mr. Tark never does anything without at least two different backup plans. Did I just hear an explosion? Wait, wait, don’t transfer me, please don’t transfer-”

“Hi, english? Oh, bless you. I’m with Tark Industries, I was saying, and my CEO needs his bag. Yes, I know you’re being attacked by a guy with laser whips and a woman made out of lava and parakeets but just trust me, it’s very very important our CEO get one of his bags. It doesn’t matter which, they’re all designed to be checkpoint friendly, so they’ll be very easy to… yes, thank you, please write it all down. They’re all going to be Ohmetric 3-in-1 Workstation Bags.

The first one is a shoulder case. It’s going to have straps, and a hidden security pocket and it can stand upright. No, no, don’t look inside, it’s very personal what’s in there, just bring it to him when you find it. There’s a padded lining and a hardshell exterior, so it will be fine. There’s a back pocket too, and it could hold… well, I guess a fifteen inch laptop. Goodness, what’s the yelling all about? A gorilla with a flaming sword and a giant mosquito woman? Well, can you maybe hide under the desk and keep working? I really need to get my boss at least one of his bags as quickly as possible.

Okay, the next option is a backpack. You’ll also be seeing a lot of pockets on this one, and you’ll be able to fold out a lapdesk for work. Yes, it’s about four pounds when empty, but right now it’ll feel a bit heavier. And when you pick it up, it’ll make some clanking noises, like metal rubbing together. No, no, again, do not open it for any reason, just get it right to Mr. Tark. He’ll take it from there. Wait, wait! I don’t care if the lava and parakeet woman is smashing your cubicle, do not transfer me! Do not! Don’t you dare, don’t you…! Ugh.

Hello? English? Wonderful. I’m looking for my boss’… oh, you’ve got all the details I gave the last gentleman? Fantastic! Listen, there’s one more case, the last one is a standard workstation briefcase, designed to be carried one handed or over the shoulder. It’s just like the others, easy access to papers and a hardshell… oh! Oh! You’ve got it? You’ve got it right there? Oh, Mr. Tark will be so pleased! Oh, sir, you’ve got to find him, you’ve got to get it to him right away! No, no, if you get fired we will hire you at… in fact, what are you making now? Is that monthly? Annually? Really? I’ll hire you right now as Mr. Tark’s personal assistant. Yes, yes, full benefits too. And 401K. Look, can we talk about this later, I’ve got to get that case to… yes, you’ll have a variety of plans for you and your spouse, and you can review them at your leisure. And retirement options as well. Oh, honestly, that’s an HR question, just get him his stupid Ohmetric 3 in 1 Workstation Bag!

Well, of course he’ll be easy to find, sir, just head to the Admiral’s Club and look near the bar. And please tell him to contact Ms. Jarrs as soon as he’s able. Thanks so much, really. Oh, don’t burn yourself on the parakeets.

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Bzzzz! The buzz-makers are abuzz with anticipation about Google's announcement of a broad new social product later today. We've peered deeply into our Gopher-interoptable crystal ball to see what that might be...

1. Google Attic: upload your clothes right from your closet and store your whole out-of-season wardrobe in "the cloud".
2. Google Wallflower: generates a stable of AI "friends" so you can have a thriving social network without fear of actual human contact.
3. Google Infinite Loop: tweets your Facebook status updates that syndicate your retweets of your Facebook updates about your tweets...
4. Google MailFight: assigns Dexterity, Strength and Charisma ratings to your gmail messages, allowing them to battle each other, level up, and unlock exclusive email sigs.
5. Google PickItUp: sets your gmail messages to an infectious ska beat.
6. Google ?: the ultimate in microblogging: one-character status updates.
7. Google Nexus Three: a new handheld device like the Nexus One, but three times bigger, and without the phone functions.
8. Google Bouncer: pre-screens friend requests before you receive them and alerts you when it turns someone down. It may raise privacy concerns, but isn't it worth it to ensure you never get a friend request from an ex?
9. Google ThoughtCounts: automatically emails your contacts on the day after their birthdays, to tell them you totally meant to send an e-card.
10. Google Sharia: a fully-integrated social network for you and your friends to coordinate honor killings, public stonings, punitive amputations, and burning down girls' schools. Plan meetups, vote for your favorites, and share (non-idolatrous) pictures and video!
11. Google Id: with a combination of biometric technology and detailed search-history analysis, it senses your real search desires, regardless of what you say you want.
12. Google CheerUp: when showing 0 new messages, Gmail randomly re-routes an email from someone else's Inbox so you don't feel lonely.
13. Google CrimeAgainstNature: merges data with 23andMe to ensure that that gal you're flirting with isn't actually your 4th cousin.
14. Google Throwback: allows Netscape users to choose between Altavista, Webcrawler, HotBot, or Infoseek skins for retro-search cool. Only indexes material posted before 1998.
15. Google InviteOnly: social invite network allows you to invite your friends so they can get their own invites to invite people with.
16. Google Caddyshack 2000: Google remakes the 1981 comedy, to see how many people will still defend Google no matter what. Starring Dane Cook, Kim Kardashian, Vince Vaughn, Snooki, the Orange County Choppers guys, and Chevy Chase, and featuring Verne Troyer as The Gopher.
17. Google Wave: No, seriously. This time you guys'll love it.

What are your inside contacts telling you about this world-shattering announcement? (Yes, the contacts inside your mind count, too.)

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Zombie games today have gotten stale. It's all shotgun blasts to the face, hoarding various health packs and ammo, and gratuitous, omnipresent gore. Finally, Ashes 2 Ashes: Zombie Cricket has turned the genre on its ear.

You play as the nameless Cricket Batsman. For some reason, a stadium of fans has assembled to watch you lay waste to your undead opponents not with your bat, as you might think (although you can get one free shot with it if the undead get too close), but with your superior strokes in a definitely defensive mode.

You'll whack Googly after leg break towards directly into the zombie onslaught, which has conveniently aligned single file in a neat row. You can upgrade your batsman for more power, or your bowler for faster run-ups. Do well and you'll also receive new and deadlier balls for your arsenal.

Once you nail the timing (wait for the bounce and hit it at the line), you'll breeze through early levels. This is only to lull you into a sense of false security for the manic rush of undead batsmen and giant zombified Crocodile Dundee impersonators. You may feel a twinge of anxiety as they get ever closer and you wait for the next pitch.

Of course, you still won't learn a thing about how to actually play Cricket.

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Yes, it's what we like to hear, but not all Twitterers are so blatantly direct about their love. And sometimes, they actually have things to say. After the jump, enjoy a recap of what we found this week while Twittersurfing, and then enjoy a few of our too-long-to-Tweet replies. Hey, it's a slow Tuesday, indulge us our vanity. Also keep in mind, if you shout out to @WootLive (take a look over on there on the right), we'll see it, and maybe we'll even answer you back!

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Aw man, this remote controls everything!

Which makes this second one redundant, I guess.

Yeah I’ve been really looking for a way to keep myself completely inundated with sports news lately, so I snagged this ESPN 4-Device Universal Remote 2 Pack. It’s been exactly what I needed to avoid all the strain of day-to-day living. I don’t pay bills, I don’t open my mail, I just plop down on the couch, open another can of nacho cheez dip, and get to watching.

I mean, it’s not just sports, either. I can control my DVR, DVD player, TV, basically any four devices I have running. And with these three ESPN channel buttons I never have to glance at a TV Guide again to find my sports fix. So, really, this other one is just kind of taking up space.

No, you can’t have it. Because I paid for it. I think it’ll just be my failsafe or something, in case the two AAA batteries, which were not included, wear out.

I can’t tell you how excited I am to catch all the NHL, Soccer, and MMA highlights. Not to mention all the women’s sports! WNBA, Women’s College Basketball, Field Hockey, Volleyball, I’m sure one of these buttons is for the ESPN channel dedicated to all that stuff!

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Commercials don't just come out of thin air, y'know. A lot of time, thought, and money goes into distilling an advertiser's product into the perfect message that resonates with you, the 18-25 year-old male with disposable income. And lots of research has shown that the message that resonates most is the one that makes you think, "I'm just like that guy."

(Before you lay into us for focusing entirely on men and neglecting the female demographic, please understand that if advertisers cared enough to notice women have grown a bit since the days of Wilma Flintstone, we'd be happy to include those ads as well.)

So with that mind, what did Sunday's big ad-stravaganza say about how advertisers see you?

Dodge Thinks You Are: A Resentful, Henpecked Man-Child

If you're trying to prove that your car is big, fast, and tough, I guess you need to convince men that they're not already any of those things. I guess the FCC has a problem with the Charger's original pitch: "Dodge Charger. Buy it. Unless you're a total p&^%$*," so we got this instead.

You, according to Dodge, are simply going through the motions, completely emasculated by your spouse and hating every minute of your soulless existence with her. They never bother to explain how it got to the point where you can't utter a single opinion of your own, but you might consider plunking down that $30,000 on some couples therapy rather than a car with crappy gas mileage....

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Mr. Elephant has been deeply involved in the online gaming industry for some time now. He started with a rave in support of his species. Then the attention he received spiraled out of control, so he tried to turn his back on fame. Eventually, like some digital Marlon Brando, Mr. Elephant embraced his gifts, and decided to win the hearts and minds of the world with a game that literally forces everyone to be a winner no matter what they do. So where can an elephant go after a career like that? Well, you're about to find out. Because in his latest video game, Mr. Elephant has taken taking one step back one step further.

This Is The Only Level. Really, it is. All you have to do is help Mr. Elephant finish one, single, solitary level. You've even got infinite lives, so it won't be too hard, will it? After all, it really IS the only level...

...from a certain point of view.

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It Was Either This Or One Of Those Roses They Sell At The Gas Station

My beloved lady-love: I have lovingly created for you a gift made of pure love, to symbolize my love for you. (Note: gift actually includes some non-love ingredients, too.)

First, eternal love of mine, I reached deep into the love-garden in my heart and plucked forth not just a rose, but a rose bush. A 12” tall rose bush, watered and nourished on my everlasting devotion to you. Now that it’s out, you should probably give it actual water and plant food. But do it with love, my love, or else my heart shall die.

Then I scooped up the love-clay of my heart and crafted a 4.5” tall, 4.5” diameter ceramic pot, as a loving home for the aforementioned rose bush. I worked this planter on the potters’ wheel of undying passion that spins evermore in my, you guessed it, heart. Your presence was with me all along, the phantom fingers of your love entwining with my own normal fingers, united in the love of loving and being loved. It was at least four times hotter than that scene in Ghost.

You’ll notice I made the pot white, which is tied for the third-most loving color (behind red and pink, tied with purple). Had I made it red or pink, it would have imploded from sheer love pressure. Passions such as ours are dangerous, loverlady of my love heart.

Finally, to complete this token of my limitless love for you, I threw in some chocolates, because what the hell, why not? Also, they symbolize the sweetness I found behind the foil wrapper around your loving heart, or something. You see what I’m getting at, my love, for our love is stronger than any contrived metaphor.

Thus, dearest love of my passion, did I craft for you this loving gift, dripping with pure unbridled adoration. It is the only one of its kind in existence, just as our love is singular, unmatched, unique.

Just don’t look at the credit card statement next month, OK, lover?

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The Average Internet User

The Who? Really? Because all I see up there are two old guys with a backup band.

I mean, I understand wanting to keep rocking until you drop, you know, but let’s not call a six inch sub a footlong. Maybe I’d forgive The Roger Daltrey Experience Featuring Pete Townsend or Towny And Daltrey or even The Whom. And that last one, you could make some money with a band like that. But don’t keep on ruining a great legacy, guys. You’re so not what you used to be.

And, I’ll tell you right now, there’s no way I’m going to watch The Who when it’s just half of the band. For that whole halftime, I’ll be using my Sandisk Sansa Clip Black 8GB MP3 Player to listen to something else. Maybe I’ll pop in a short audiobook, or Audible file. Maybe I’ll listen to a few MP3s or WMAs. Maybe I’ll switch over to the FM Radio and see what Garrison Keillor has to say about the game, or maybe I’ll use the built-in microphone to record a few thoughts of my own about how the game’s been going.

But, really, The Who? No way am I listening to that. As far as I’m concerned, the second they lost John Bonham and Noel Redding, they lost all credibility with me.

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What is this “compensation” you speak of?

What the heck? There are bloggers that get free stuff for writeups? Somebody’s been holding out on me.

I mean, here I am, day after day, churning out writeup after writeup by the truck load for NOTHING and all this time I could’ve been asking for expensive laptops and other perks for favorable ones? DUDE. And I thought people did this kind of job because they LIKED it. Boy, what a fool I’ve been.

To think, I could be sitting here with a stack of cool stuff brought to me in tribute by the product sellers. “For you, O Great Olympian Stallion of Copywriting Sass And Wit! We bring to you this day fifteen iPads wrapped in bacon on a platter full of our finest meats and cheeses brought to you by one hundred Roombas in exchange for your favor towards our humble iHome 8 Button Wireless Laser Mouse Pro with two programmable buttons and 1600 dpi. If our treasures please you, O Mighty And Wise Master Of Words, do speak of our 2.4 GHz frequency wireless mouse with simple plug-n-play mini-USB reciever and five quick launch media buttons in a kind and wonderous light. Many more wonders will we deliver to your door for your services in highlighting our Windows compatible mice, capable of horizontal and vertical scrolling and available in either Red or Blue, Scribe Of Light And Joy!”

But noooOOOooo. No free stuff for the Woot guys. Just sell, sell, sell like a good little Screaming Monkey. And I’m not even going to begin to go into what I had to do just to get one of those little guys. The short version involves a lot of begging and tears, though.

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