Woot : One Day, One Deal (SM)

Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

JERUSALEM (UPI) -- A methamphetamine-based drug developed by the German Nazis to increase stamina is being smuggled into Israel from Thailand, officials said.

A spokesperson for the Israeli officials say that the team is searching for a solution by reading every issue of Captain America and most of Marvel Two-In-One.

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Bob’s a simple guy. Sure, he likes high adventure involving treasure hoards, jumping pits of lava, and dodging bombs, pits, creatures, and spikes, but needing a whole bunch of buttons and fancy pixels to do so just seems wasteful.

Much like Canabalt, One Button Bob requires only one button (hence the name) to play. For each screen, clicking your left mouse button performs a different action, be it running, jumping, climbing, or just plain stopping, to help you traverse the dangers deep within the caverns of an ancient castle. It’s a fun lunchtime quest for when you need a quick adventure break. Oh, and every click is tallied at the top of the playing screen so you can challenge yourself and others to see how few clicks it takes to you to win.

I was able to complete it in 308 clicks. How well did you do?

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There are only so many stories to tell. You've got "boy meets girl", you've got "stranger comes to town", you've got "man goes on a journey", you've got "teenager takes mad scientist's DeLorean back in time and narrowly avoids making out with his own mom." Everything else is just dramatic spice.

So judge ye not your filmed entertainment by the originality of its central conceit, but by the flavor of that spice. And the hacky, illogical plot gimmicks collected in these montages by various upstanding netizens are stale enough to turn any viewer's stomach. Once you've been inoculated by the numbing repetition of these tired banalities, you'll never watch TV the same way again. Roll film! (There's some NSFW language in some of these clips, so keep your fainting couch handy.)

Let's Enhance by YouTube user dunk3d
Surveillance cam footage too low-res to identify the killer? Just hit that trusty enhance button until you've got your man. The geriatric viewers of those CBS crime dramas won't know how stupid that is, and then you can quickly move on to more lurid footage of dismembered strippers or whatever this episode's main attraction is. What a healthy society we live in...

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Demon In A Workstation Bag

Tark Industries, office of Sonny Tark, how can I oh, hi, Sonny. Wait, you did what? You need me to WHAT?

“Yes, hi, english? Do you speak… oh, thank God, you don’t know how hard it is to find someone at the Yugoslavian airport who speaks… no, sorry, I understand you’re busy, but I need some help here. My name is Spice, Spice Jarrs, and I work for Tark Industries. Yes, that’s right, the weapons manufacturer. I’m calling because… yes, that’s it exactly, our CEO is somewhere in your airport looking for his bag. Well, bags, really, because Mr. Tark never does anything without at least two different backup plans. Did I just hear an explosion? Wait, wait, don’t transfer me, please don’t transfer-”

“Hi, english? Oh, bless you. I’m with Tark Industries, I was saying, and my CEO needs his bag. Yes, I know you’re being attacked by a guy with laser whips and a woman made out of lava and parakeets but just trust me, it’s very very important our CEO get one of his bags. It doesn’t matter which, they’re all designed to be checkpoint friendly, so they’ll be very easy to… yes, thank you, please write it all down. They’re all going to be Ohmetric 3-in-1 Workstation Bags.

The first one is a shoulder case. It’s going to have straps, and a hidden security pocket and it can stand upright. No, no, don’t look inside, it’s very personal what’s in there, just bring it to him when you find it. There’s a padded lining and a hardshell exterior, so it will be fine. There’s a back pocket too, and it could hold… well, I guess a fifteen inch laptop. Goodness, what’s the yelling all about? A gorilla with a flaming sword and a giant mosquito woman? Well, can you maybe hide under the desk and keep working? I really need to get my boss at least one of his bags as quickly as possible.

Okay, the next option is a backpack. You’ll also be seeing a lot of pockets on this one, and you’ll be able to fold out a lapdesk for work. Yes, it’s about four pounds when empty, but right now it’ll feel a bit heavier. And when you pick it up, it’ll make some clanking noises, like metal rubbing together. No, no, again, do not open it for any reason, just get it right to Mr. Tark. He’ll take it from there. Wait, wait! I don’t care if the lava and parakeet woman is smashing your cubicle, do not transfer me! Do not! Don’t you dare, don’t you…! Ugh.

Hello? English? Wonderful. I’m looking for my boss’… oh, you’ve got all the details I gave the last gentleman? Fantastic! Listen, there’s one more case, the last one is a standard workstation briefcase, designed to be carried one handed or over the shoulder. It’s just like the others, easy access to papers and a hardshell… oh! Oh! You’ve got it? You’ve got it right there? Oh, Mr. Tark will be so pleased! Oh, sir, you’ve got to find him, you’ve got to get it to him right away! No, no, if you get fired we will hire you at… in fact, what are you making now? Is that monthly? Annually? Really? I’ll hire you right now as Mr. Tark’s personal assistant. Yes, yes, full benefits too. And 401K. Look, can we talk about this later, I’ve got to get that case to… yes, you’ll have a variety of plans for you and your spouse, and you can review them at your leisure. And retirement options as well. Oh, honestly, that’s an HR question, just get him his stupid Ohmetric 3 in 1 Workstation Bag!

Well, of course he’ll be easy to find, sir, just head to the Admiral’s Club and look near the bar. And please tell him to contact Ms. Jarrs as soon as he’s able. Thanks so much, really. Oh, don’t burn yourself on the parakeets.

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Bzzzz! The buzz-makers are abuzz with anticipation about Google's announcement of a broad new social product later today. We've peered deeply into our Gopher-interoptable crystal ball to see what that might be...

1. Google Attic: upload your clothes right from your closet and store your whole out-of-season wardrobe in "the cloud".
2. Google Wallflower: generates a stable of AI "friends" so you can have a thriving social network without fear of actual human contact.
3. Google Infinite Loop: tweets your Facebook status updates that syndicate your retweets of your Facebook updates about your tweets...
4. Google MailFight: assigns Dexterity, Strength and Charisma ratings to your gmail messages, allowing them to battle each other, level up, and unlock exclusive email sigs.
5. Google PickItUp: sets your gmail messages to an infectious ska beat.
6. Google ?: the ultimate in microblogging: one-character status updates.
7. Google Nexus Three: a new handheld device like the Nexus One, but three times bigger, and without the phone functions.
8. Google Bouncer: pre-screens friend requests before you receive them and alerts you when it turns someone down. It may raise privacy concerns, but isn't it worth it to ensure you never get a friend request from an ex?
9. Google ThoughtCounts: automatically emails your contacts on the day after their birthdays, to tell them you totally meant to send an e-card.
10. Google Sharia: a fully-integrated social network for you and your friends to coordinate honor killings, public stonings, punitive amputations, and burning down girls' schools. Plan meetups, vote for your favorites, and share (non-idolatrous) pictures and video!
11. Google Id: with a combination of biometric technology and detailed search-history analysis, it senses your real search desires, regardless of what you say you want.
12. Google CheerUp: when showing 0 new messages, Gmail randomly re-routes an email from someone else's Inbox so you don't feel lonely.
13. Google CrimeAgainstNature: merges data with 23andMe to ensure that that gal you're flirting with isn't actually your 4th cousin.
14. Google Throwback: allows Netscape users to choose between Altavista, Webcrawler, HotBot, or Infoseek skins for retro-search cool. Only indexes material posted before 1998.
15. Google InviteOnly: social invite network allows you to invite your friends so they can get their own invites to invite people with.
16. Google Caddyshack 2000: Google remakes the 1981 comedy, to see how many people will still defend Google no matter what. Starring Dane Cook, Kim Kardashian, Vince Vaughn, Snooki, the Orange County Choppers guys, and Chevy Chase, and featuring Verne Troyer as The Gopher.
17. Google Wave: No, seriously. This time you guys'll love it.

What are your inside contacts telling you about this world-shattering announcement? (Yes, the contacts inside your mind count, too.)

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Zombie games today have gotten stale. It's all shotgun blasts to the face, hoarding various health packs and ammo, and gratuitous, omnipresent gore. Finally, Ashes 2 Ashes: Zombie Cricket has turned the genre on its ear.

You play as the nameless Cricket Batsman. For some reason, a stadium of fans has assembled to watch you lay waste to your undead opponents not with your bat, as you might think (although you can get one free shot with it if the undead get too close), but with your superior strokes in a definitely defensive mode.

You'll whack Googly after leg break towards directly into the zombie onslaught, which has conveniently aligned single file in a neat row. You can upgrade your batsman for more power, or your bowler for faster run-ups. Do well and you'll also receive new and deadlier balls for your arsenal.

Once you nail the timing (wait for the bounce and hit it at the line), you'll breeze through early levels. This is only to lull you into a sense of false security for the manic rush of undead batsmen and giant zombified Crocodile Dundee impersonators. You may feel a twinge of anxiety as they get ever closer and you wait for the next pitch.

Of course, you still won't learn a thing about how to actually play Cricket.

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Yes, it's what we like to hear, but not all Twitterers are so blatantly direct about their love. And sometimes, they actually have things to say. After the jump, enjoy a recap of what we found this week while Twittersurfing, and then enjoy a few of our too-long-to-Tweet replies. Hey, it's a slow Tuesday, indulge us our vanity. Also keep in mind, if you shout out to @WootLive (take a look over on there on the right), we'll see it, and maybe we'll even answer you back!

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Aw man, this remote controls everything!

Which makes this second one redundant, I guess.

Yeah I’ve been really looking for a way to keep myself completely inundated with sports news lately, so I snagged this ESPN 4-Device Universal Remote 2 Pack. It’s been exactly what I needed to avoid all the strain of day-to-day living. I don’t pay bills, I don’t open my mail, I just plop down on the couch, open another can of nacho cheez dip, and get to watching.

I mean, it’s not just sports, either. I can control my DVR, DVD player, TV, basically any four devices I have running. And with these three ESPN channel buttons I never have to glance at a TV Guide again to find my sports fix. So, really, this other one is just kind of taking up space.

No, you can’t have it. Because I paid for it. I think it’ll just be my failsafe or something, in case the two AAA batteries, which were not included, wear out.

I can’t tell you how excited I am to catch all the NHL, Soccer, and MMA highlights. Not to mention all the women’s sports! WNBA, Women’s College Basketball, Field Hockey, Volleyball, I’m sure one of these buttons is for the ESPN channel dedicated to all that stuff!

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Commercials don't just come out of thin air, y'know. A lot of time, thought, and money goes into distilling an advertiser's product into the perfect message that resonates with you, the 18-25 year-old male with disposable income. And lots of research has shown that the message that resonates most is the one that makes you think, "I'm just like that guy."

(Before you lay into us for focusing entirely on men and neglecting the female demographic, please understand that if advertisers cared enough to notice women have grown a bit since the days of Wilma Flintstone, we'd be happy to include those ads as well.)

So with that mind, what did Sunday's big ad-stravaganza say about how advertisers see you?

Dodge Thinks You Are: A Resentful, Henpecked Man-Child

If you're trying to prove that your car is big, fast, and tough, I guess you need to convince men that they're not already any of those things. I guess the FCC has a problem with the Charger's original pitch: "Dodge Charger. Buy it. Unless you're a total p&^%$*," so we got this instead.

You, according to Dodge, are simply going through the motions, completely emasculated by your spouse and hating every minute of your soulless existence with her. They never bother to explain how it got to the point where you can't utter a single opinion of your own, but you might consider plunking down that $30,000 on some couples therapy rather than a car with crappy gas mileage....

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Mr. Elephant has been deeply involved in the online gaming industry for some time now. He started with a rave in support of his species. Then the attention he received spiraled out of control, so he tried to turn his back on fame. Eventually, like some digital Marlon Brando, Mr. Elephant embraced his gifts, and decided to win the hearts and minds of the world with a game that literally forces everyone to be a winner no matter what they do. So where can an elephant go after a career like that? Well, you're about to find out. Because in his latest video game, Mr. Elephant has taken taking one step back one step further.

This Is The Only Level. Really, it is. All you have to do is help Mr. Elephant finish one, single, solitary level. You've even got infinite lives, so it won't be too hard, will it? After all, it really IS the only level...

...from a certain point of view.

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